Broken Glass

What would you do if the one that you love does not trust you? What would you say if they misjudge and accuse you of the things that you never do? How do you react to know all of that comes from your own parents? Mixture of emotions swirl together as one in a fiery pot- that is what going to happen. As for me, I picture it more like a broken glass. When the trust is shattered, how do you pick those pieces and glue it together? I did not. I withdrew and carry those shattered glass with me to the One who know how to fix it. Papa. Papa knows everything. Papa knows what to do. Everything that I know revolves around Papa. My loved ones does not see it. Generation has become the barrier to reach one another. If only they knew...

Frenemies

Self conscious can be your friend and enemy at the same time. That is where the terms "frenemies" came from in the first place. As for me, too much of it is just the beginning. People always tell us or advise us to look forward in life. Just like driving, you have to focus on the windscreen not side mirrors. I concentrate too much on the side mirrors. It's always been fear and comparison that keeps bugging me. Fear I'm not good enough. Fear I'm just nothing compared to others. Fear I'm not that pretty. Fear that I'm not that "hot" enough. Comparing myself to the other girls who are capable of multitasking. Comparing myself to your best friend. Comparing myself to your gifts. Why I am like this? Everyone knows the basic answer to it. Low self esteemed. There are times when I felt like giving in to all of this "I'm not good enough" ranting. It feels easier that way than fighting it off. I'm really sick and tired of it. Like, seriously, what would you feel when you go out and shopping with your friends buying clothes but you didn't get anything because nothing can fit in? Definitely embarrass, feeling low and hate yourself to the max. That's just the basic example but still kills me. I'm totally not in a good mood now about this issue. Man. I sure have a lot of issues. 

Raging sea

I was drowning in the sea of doubts and insecurity. Today I'm paddling through the raging wave. I sit in front of my mirror on the floor as I gaze intently on my reflection as I slowly brushed my hair. 


"Jen." He whispered.


"Oo Jennifer." He called me.


"Nice hair. By the way, you don't look good. Not that you are ugly. Well, maybe you are compared to the others. Which the others that he used to be with. Anyway,did you check out those exes he had. I hope you did. Can't blame you feeling so down about that. They are indeed better than you. If I were him, why bother to go with a fat cow like you. I'm not being mean, it's the truth. You can't even wear size 6. What to be proud of having you around anyway? Look at yourself. Look at that reflection of yours, what good do you see? "He snickered.


I did what he said. I looked at my reflection and find nothing to be proud of. I kept silent trying not to let it affect me. I tried to mute his voice as his words started to penetrate my shield of truth.


"I am loved. Papa loves me. He always has always been and always will love me." I recited.


As his voice getting louder and louder, my strength and confidence begin to crack. Memory of my conversation with Love flashes back.


"Remember the ring Baby. That's my promised. And you know my answer. I love you and I only want you." 

It didn't work. He didn't stop instead his voice got louder and louder and I barely can hold myself with all the comparison and condemnation. I was about to yell back at him that I am not weak, that I am pretty, that I am worth it, that I am loved, a tear dropped on my knee stopped me. He shattered that shield and I'm losing my grip. I fell for that again for a gazillion time.

Divine Intervention

For the past two months I was struggling and barely can make it alive. Not that I literally going to die. Being choked up with life tribulation is not a cool thing. You name it, I got it. Well, not all of life issues. I barely have money to buy food what more of going to Hillsongs. Papa a.k.a God had been gracious enough to let me go Sydney for that conference. What I have been receive for that one whole week is just too much for me to contain. Everything is just mind blowing. I was just simply like a sponge. Absorbing as much as I could and share it. My soul and my spirit was hungry and thirst for the One. Like a wanderer lost in a parched dry desert, He came to quench my thirst and my hunger. He showed me the Way, the Truth and the Life.

"I am more than enough."

"I am everything that you need."

"I am able."

"Daughter, I am able. I am able to turn things around. Trust me." 

Standing among the multitudes, He stripped away my pride, my worries, my anger, my disappointment and my condemnation. At His holy presence, I stand naked with nothing to offer except this broken soul and bleeding hands from the scars of life. As I opened my heart to let Him to re-enter my heart, my spirit groaned. Longing for His healing touch, longing for His presence, longing for His love and warm embrace. I broke down in tears and worship Him like I never before. Unaware of the people around me, I raised my voice to Heaven and lifted my hands praising Him the One I adore. Jesus culture took over the stage and sang their songs. Songs that I never heard of. My heart violently turned inside out. The lyrics are just like words from the Father Himself speaking to me. Telling me how much He loves me and how much He cared. I am not forgotten. I was never have been forsaken. 


I was ruined. Everything inside me just shattered like broken glass. From that broken pieces of my life, He built me into a new frame.A new life, a new hope. As Israel Houghton melodious voice sang out his new song, the longing in my heart intensify. My utmost desire of my soul is let the King to reign my life, my whole being and my whole world. I can feel my spirit is detached from my body seeking for the One who brings me comfort and healing. Every words that I mouthed is like a fire that burned every part of me. A lovely song that speaks the desire of every human heart. 


"From my heart to the Heavens, Jesus be the centre, It's all about you..."


Like a child throwing themselves on the floor before the feet of their parents, so do I fell on my knees in front of the throne of my Father the Almighty who rule over the whole universe and let His fire consume me. 

Appreciation

Love, 


Since I know you are going to read this, I want to tell you that I really appreciate you. Thank you for all the time you've spend with me. Especially for lending me your ears. I know, I've busted it. Haha. Just so you know darling, when you are hurting or angry or disappointed, my heart grieves for you too. I hate to see you sad or angry while I can't do anything but wait till you feel better then it's  my cue to cheer you up. I want to make you smile. To make you laugh. I want you to be happy.I love you love. Hope this cheer you up. Love you much. 




Love,


Baby

A Little Prayer

Papa, I come before you with nothing to offer except a humble spirit. Father, I admit I mess up. Papa, I came to You with everything have been stripped away from me. I admit I'm angry. I admit I am hurt. I admit its painful to go through all this. Papa, I believe You will provide. I believe You will help me. I believe You will help me to go through this. I believe in You Papa.  With nothing left, I cling to Your promises. Papa, I believe You are with me to go through this. I believe You have not forsaken me. Papa, I believe in You. Papa, I need You. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.

Insecurities

Insecurity is a bitch. She haunts us day and night. She took pleasure in our pain, our fear, our brokenness, our shame, our loneliness and our guilts. I kicked her out for so many times but she keeps on coming. Each time with a force much greater than the previous. 


"You are not good enough"


"You are stupid"


"You are ugly"


"Why can't you be like your sister?"


"Why can't you be like the other kids?"


Sound familiar? It does to me. I've been compared to my super smart straight A's cousin. I've been compared to my prettier and smarter little sister. I've been compared to another Jennifer in my school. To make things worst, she's in my class.Imagine that. She's pretty, guys drooled over her, guys worshipped her and she's smart. As for me, I'm fat, stupid, a nobody and not worth knowing. To go through all of that just plain hard. I learnt one thing that time, to swallow the pain and pretend nothing ever happen. Pretend I was not hurt and pretend I was ok. I was so good in pretending that I live like it. I have forgotten that I was pretending I wasn't hurt. Deep down I'm broken.


Its hard for my partner now to live with that. He has to break that walls I have built for years. I appreciate his effort and persistency. Now, I'm free from it. I'm free to be myself. I remember that day when we were courting (we still do now) he told me to promise him not to build any walls than the one I already have. I keep that promise until now. Tearing down those walls was gruelling and exhausting process but we managed to pull through. He was there to be with me even if he has the chance to say goodbye to me. Do you know that song "Halo" by Beyonce? That's one of a few songs I can expressed my appreciation to him. 


I'm grateful for him and honoured to be called his. I'm looking forward for the life ahead of us. No matter how hard it is, I want to be with him. Just like in High School Musical song, I just want to be with you. I know this may sound silly for I'm barely 22 years old and I'm talking like I'm 28 and ready to get married. I mean it anyway. I'm willing to stand by him to go through all the insanity of this world and tons of responsibilities ahead. I admit it's hard and tiring for me, but I choose to love and to stand with the man that I love. After what we have been through, God taught me one thing which I was so very familiar with in my past life, humility. 


When life seems to pick up its pace and you feel like you're soaring, you tend to forget the One who lifts you up from your downfall. You make friends with the luxury of the world and drifted by the prosperity that you gained. Once reality strike, then you realised the existence of the One who love you so dearly. As for me, I was blessed from the very beginning. Some may view it as a curse but to me, if it wasn't because of those curses I won't be who I am now. I was so proud with what I have , with what I gained and with what I'm blessed with until I forget if was from Him. 


 Now I'm learning that value of humbleness that I once had. I'm forced to learn to give out of nothing as an offering to the ever loving Father, learn to sacrifice my luxury of eating out and humbled myself to enhance my cooking skills in the kitchen (it's not that bad anyway since I love cooking =)), learn to share even though I can barely have enough for myself (a skill I used to have which was lost) and learn to sacrifice what is dear to you for the need of others (which is hard when you understand the value of it and have to give it away). I'm like Hayden in Heroes. Well, not exactly. What I meant is her famous saying, "I walk through fire but I didn't get burned". God is refining me in that fire now to stretch my faith and trust in Him. 


I also learned another thing too, there's a difference when you give in time of plenty and in time of in need. Just like that Widow who gave her last pennies of her saving to the offering box in the Temple. People may not see her or even aware of her affliction but Jesus did. At this moment, I can relate to that Widow. Every cents or dollars that I give is like giving the very bits of my life in it. I always told love that it's not that I'm going to die if I don't have this or that. Deep down, you know it hurts to give away something that you need. For example, you reduce the amount of food you ate so that your siblings can have it as the food left wasn't that much to sustain the whole family. When your parents ask you to take some more, you lied telling them you are full but in fact you were still hungry. Its hard but one of the noble sacrifice that only God witnessed it. 


Papa stretch my faith till that far. Even though I didn't see His help going to come anytime soon, I still cling to His promise that He will provide, He will protect and He will continue to bless me. I believe He will provide the food on the table even if I don't have much money to buy food and to eat out. I believe He will provide all my necessities as a woman like shampoo, pads, deodorant..etc (you get what I mean) even though I don't have any money for me to spend. I believe He will improve my financial state even though I have to cancel my trip to Hillsongs and use that money to pay the bills and gas. My point is I believe that Papa will help me although life is hard for me now. 


Papa, I know that things are just plain hard for me right now but I believe in You. I believe that You will provide, I believe that You will help me to pull me through this situation, I believe You will continue to bless me and guide me. Papa, no matter how hard it is, I won't turn my back on you. You are still my God. I will still praise You and worship You. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen. 

Dark Night

"Love, do you love me?"


He looked at me with that same puzzled look that he always gave me whenever I asked that question.


"Is that a trick question?" He asked back.


"Of course I love you." He answered and hugging me tightly at the same time.


"Stupid bitch." The voice in my head told me.


"Here's the thing sugar, he's doing great and the opportunities for him to shine just keep coming. It's like wave by wave. And you know what that's mean. FYI, you fucked up and yeah. Just so you know, you can barely keep up with the pace. It's either you or the things he do. Still don't get it? Let me remind you what happened in your past relationship." The voice told me.


The moment the voice said that, I was pinned by a tsunami of fear, pain, hurt, abandonment, and loneliness.


"Yes dear. Remember that? Remember what happened to you in the past? Are you scared now? You should be. Coz it's going to happen again." The voice left me with a smile of victory as it leaves me with a pain in my chest and hot stream of tears begin to buildup in my eyes.


"No!" I screamed at the back of throat.


"He loves me..." I choked into whispers.


Doubt begins to flood in my head. I try to fight back. But it wasn't enough. Until, I hurt love last nite. He cried. I cried. We both cried. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself that I wanted to throw myself down on the floor and sleep there for the rest of the nite or torture myself outside on the balcony in the cold nite and let the coolness of the wind bite my bones to dust. I weeped on the other side of the bed hoping that love wouldn't notice it. I failed. After a while he turned to me and hugged me. Then I finally gave in to the sorrow of my pain. My chest was pounding so hard that I literally can feel my heart was going to burst out of my chest. The throbbing in head was killing me. The pain snake its way to my eye and the bridge of my nose. My stomach was churning. My head was spinning. All I can feel is pain. Shame. Guilt. The last thing I know, I was still weeping softly and then I passed out until the morning light seeping its way through the curtain to announce the arrival of a new dawn.

Faith

Hey, it's me again. Few days ago I was so frustrated with most of the things that is going on in my life. I'm happy for love that he is serving now. Seeing him enjoying himself playing bass makes me happy. What more if it is for God. I remember that day, I condemned myself the most at the back of my head.


"Useless cell helper! You did nothing!"


"Filthy steward! Where's all your money now?"


Well, that's just some of them. I've tormented myself with uselessness, self pity, anger and hurt. 


"Where are You Papa?" I asked as I looked up to the blue sky hoping to see the glimpse of Heaven to find Papa.


"Papa, I need You."


"Papa, I'm screwed up. I'm sorry."


"Papa, I want You to fix me."


"Papa, I want You".


"Papa.. I really need You."


Those whispers is like my mantra every single day. Sometimes I choose to swallow my tears and keep my pride not to cry in front of beloved. Until that Sunday,


"B, are you ok?" he asked as he knows the look in my face.


I looked at him as the well of tears start pouring out. The sermon that day was inspiring. It breaks down the wall that I unknowingly built around my heart.Deep in my soul, I yearn for Him. I longed to be with my beloved Papa. Everything just keep pushing me and I just lost that passion and it becomes a sense of duty instead the things that I love to do. 


"Sort of" I answered him.


"I yearn to serve Him. I want to serve because I want to serve and not being pushed around and doing some errands. I feel like I'm going down and you going up. I feel like I'm a useless cell helper. I did nothing..." I continued on and on and on with my tears oozing down my cheeks.


Love advise me, talk to me and calmed me. He always told me how good I am and I did all the job well done. As usual, I told him I didn't do enough. There is so much negativity within me. Self rejection, self hatred, anything that makes me hate myself is relevant to it. I just want to feel loved. I just want to be loved. I guess that's why. I don't want to be wanted for the wrong reason. I don't want someone want me in because I have a car. I don't want someone want me to do stuffs because they know I won't say no. I just want to be wanted because of who I am. 


Love is always one of that person that accept me for who I am. I know God definitely do. Sometimes, when all you can feel is hurt and pain, your mind will be entirely blinded by it. Most of the time I forget, that GOD is way way much BIGGER than the world, the universe, the galaxy, the earth, the hurricanes, the tornadoes, the volcanoes, the oceans, the sky and everything else. I admit. I'm blind. Until now I can't really see the whole picture of God's love.


What I think about God? He's disappointed in me as I did not do my work as a cell helper. He's angry at me for I did not spend my money wisely and I'm a bad steward of His gifts. He just plain didn't like me. That's what I think. I don't even think He'll help me because I don't see that help coming for my rescue. That's how bad it is I am now. Where's the love go? 


Then I recap again what I have been through for the past one month. God was there all the time. Crying with me, holding my hand to walk through those hard days and comfort me with His peace once I'm done crying my heart out. I longed for His presence so does He longed for me to rekindle back that relationship that we once had. He was there sending out people like friends to help me out. Most are just happy to help while I feel guilty for them to do all the work to help me out. God help me out in a way I didn't even think of. even though as simple as a friends help. I'm not saying that I'm ok now. I'm still dealing with that issue. I write this as a testimony to myself that God is really there to be with me.

What robbed me..

I seriously don't know how explain my struggles to both side of my friends. One side my church friends which I hold dearly to my heart and the other side is my course mates. Gladly enough they are Christians.. Some of them not. Here's the thing, I skip my class because I'm stress with the things I need to do for the church. I'm being push from that side. I get it what people say about stretch of faith. I totally got it. While on the other side, I skip church meeting because I'm stress with my uni life. At the end of the day, I'm just screwed. 

Why do they expect so much from me? I mean those who are from the church. If I'm not there to go for the meeting, they give me the look. You know, the look. That "I'm so disappointed in you" kind of look. Not that I want to. I always ask why other people say they can't people can consider their situation but if it is me, hell no they consider my situation. It's like my life is to say yes. I don't mind if I'm not studying and doing nothing. And for the last time, I'm doing geology for goodness sake. Sigh. 

This semester, I'm all screwed. I can cry all I want but it won't save me anyway. Miracles from heaven? I'm sorry Papa but I'm just being honest. Try me. I believe in life miracles not in terms of studying. Papa did save me numerous time but I personally don't think He will do the same this time. It's my fault I screw up. It's my fault I did try hard enough. It's my fault I didn't study much. It's my fault that I didn't do well. It's my fault.. It's my fault.. It's my fault and lots of strings on it. It's all my fault.

Have you ever feel like how is it feel like to live with guilt? I do. Now I'm living with it again. I blame my downfall in my studies and my responsibilities in church on me. I blame myself in anytime of the day whenever I'm alone. Like now. Like when I'm in the shower, crying. So yeah. I don't have anything else to say. All I know, it's always been my fault from the very beginning.  

Just random

Here it goes. Now it's officially a week I'm back to civilization after 12 days in the wilderness, sleeping in tents, swallow a fly, shower with locust and frogs and climbing up and down hills during the day. What a relive to live in the real world with people when the heart is yearning for God's words and presence and lastly to be back in the arms of my beloved love. During the trip when I was cut off in any form of communication with anyone in the outside world, I have the time to think about everything. Think about how bless I am to have everything I have now. Life may be sucks at the moment but I'm grateful I'm alive ant not in hell because of my past.


Once I'm back, I was all set for the force of studies that keep crashing over me. What brought me down is the pressure as a cell helper and some friends who are just plain thoughtless and heartless to my predicament. How ironic. Cell is the place where I was build and now it's the place that brought me down this year. Expectation and too much responsibilities is wearing me down. I just don't get it. In what term of GEOLOGY that they do not understand?


Everybody knows that geology is about earth, soil, dirt and rocks. Meaning, we learn about everything about nature. To make things worst, after field trip is always my "no social life" weeks. It's like I don't have a life at all until I'm done with my exams. Anyway, let talks about my spiritual journey then. As I'm back from the wilderness and I'm hungry for His words, edification in cell and sermons in church are just plain dry. I'm all dried up and yet I drink nothing. I'm extra dry. Not that I'm a beer that extra dry and extra crisp. You know what I mean. Add up to my dryness, I'm broke. 


This week is like from bad to worst. God. How much I need God to restore back everything. I see no hope for my studies. If it wasn't because of Love being with me most of the time, I definitely going to cry every night like I use to. This is my silent conversation with God.


"God, I don't know how in the world You use me to glorify Your name? I don't see how You can use me. At this moment all I see is I'm screwing up my uni life- my studies. Lord, all I want is to be with You. But going through all of this is so hard. I feel so lost and hungry for You. Lord I need You. I need You to restore my life, to organize my life and to guide me."


I looked at Love once he's done hugging me. I nearly cried how glad I am to have him with me. Thank God for the dark night that cover my eyes. All I can say now no matter how screwed I am, I still continue to walk in His way. No matter how worthless I am I still choose to follow Him, the One who have loved me, still love me and always love me for who I am despite of what the world say.

Now and then

"You'll be fine." 

He told me as I walk my way to the hall. Everything doesn't seem right to me. This can't be it. It's to easy. This is wrong. My assignment, it doesn't seem right. Beside me Love keep on reassuring me that everything is going to be alright but my intuition keeps telling me that he's wrong. 

"Bye baby. You'll be fine." 

He told me as he hugged me then walk back leaving me behind to go to the class. I steeled up every fragile part of me and strolled my wall to the hall. People always told us that when you are about to die, your life will flash before you but as for me, it's different. Obviously I'm alive coz I'm writing here. Memories of my decision to follow Papa and the things I have to let go flashed to my mind. 

Countless of blessings that I have receive from Him. Papa have been generous to me. I always complaint for not having enough like not have much money to spend on clothing like my friends, not much money to drink tea and cheese cake by the swan river every weekend, no time to go out and hang out or no time to enjoy my life. Well, Papa proved me wrong. He showed me all His blessings that He have showered upon me. Freedom from my past, healing from my past hurt and pain, cure for my addiction even until now, Love and a family I can call my own here in Perth. His blessings worth much more than any of my offering. 

That realization really knocked my head or should I say kicked my brain. So I decided to pray and seek Him as I walked to the hall. By the way, the hall is quite far so yeah. That's why I have time to pray and walk at the same time.

"Papa, I thank you for the many blessings that You have given me. I thank you for all of it. Papa, I'm sorry for my wrong doings. It is me who brought myself into this situation. I'm the one who don't manage my time well. I myself that skip class and not studying when I'm suppose to. I myself that wasted my own money. Forgive me Papa. Teach me Your way Papa. Set me straight back to You. Papa, it is Your will to be done not mine. Papa, even if I have low marks on this assignment I still choose to follow You. Even if I fail my unit, my uni or jeopardize my career in the future, I still choose to serve You. I choose to follow You no matter what it is. I choose to follow You for You have chosen me first. I choose to know You and to love You for You have love me first. I love You Papa regardless what it is. Amen."

Guess what, I was given a second chance by lecturer to do my assignment again and present it the next day. Papa open my heart to see things more clearly. Papa, thanks. =)

Frustrations

Here's the thing, 3 days ago I was so frustrated and stress about my uni life. Here I am today stressing out about my lack of time to breathe from all of these whirlwind. Being a Christian isn't easy. I get that part. I mean who doesn't? I truly get it coz I've died before and here I am alive and been given a second chance. Not that I really died. You know what I mean. 


I'm tired. That's my point. Spiritual, physical, mentally, soulfully.. whichever that fits the bill. I'm just plain tired. I'm juggling with my assignments, assessments and practicals. On top of that, I'm a cell helper who's in charge about food. Two lovely girls are under my care and another two are my mortals ( not that I'm immortal it's just I'm like their angel that watches over them. That's what we do in our cell this year.) 


Other than that, I recently bough a car (my awesome red shiny car. Old but I'm lovin it =)). And I have a boyfriend. It's not that I'm saying having Love to be with me is bad. It just add up to my list I have more responsibilities. Anyway, I really thank God for Love. He's been there for me to go through all these craziness with me. 


This week is another stressful week for me. I just bounce back from my previous breakdown and now I'm dealing with another one. What a cyclone of life. Uni life. Student life. What a hell of a ride. So yeah, I'm feeling all fucked up again. So much of feeling better after I blog 4 days ago. I told Love that I need to talk to my girlfriend. I wont tell you. Not that it's a secret anyway. So we talked. It was a relief coz she knows and she understands what I'm going through. Basically both of us are tired anyway. 


Once we were done, I went for a hot shower. I wanted to cry in the bathroom like I use to do but my tears are just not there. So as I was in my room, tending my hair (lol) on the bed talking to God. Complaining to be exact. And crying of course. I stood up talking to God like a mad man talking to the air until I literally fell on the floor on my knees with my face on the ground. (Thank God my room are carpeted.) I cried. I cried my heart out to God. I cried until I don't feel like crying anymore. That's was the time when I finally dress myself up and called Love to pick me up.

Papa

" I had enough with all your nonsense!" 


He yelled at me as he hurriedly grabbing all the shirts and pants laid on the bed. Words just cannot describe how I felt that moment. I was angry, I was disappointed and I was hurt. I looked at him shoving his clothes in the bag then I realize I could not take this anymore. I have been in this road before. I choose to leave and not to be left by him. Sorrow and pain fills up my whole being before I took that step to walk away. Walk away from that broken relationship, walk away from that pain and walk away from the man that I truly love.


My eyes fluttered. That is when I realize everything was just a dream. Then I turn left to see whether it is true. There I saw he was sleeping soundly like a baby beside me. I nudge his shoulder asking him to hug me. Hugging me from that terrible dream. As the light of the dawn seeping through the holes of the curtains, I was wide awake thinking about my dreams. Papa was the first thing I think about. Who is going to pray this time? Is it me or is it beloved? But he is still sleeping. I fell asleep again when my mind was too occupied by all these questions.


"Baby, I think Papa spoke to me today. About serving Him full time."


The moment I heard it, my head spin. Everything seems to be too much for me to digest. I have head splitting work to do, trying to go back on track by doing the right thing and walking the right way according to Papa's will and trying to manage my unmanageable life. It's just too much. Deep down I was torn. The first thing that pops in my head once he said full time, is no. N.O.NO! If Papa was there, I would definitely gave Him the look. You know the look when you want that person to not encourage the other person in pursuing their dream. Instead of saying anything back, I just smile.


It was during lunch time, I finally spoke to him telling that I need to go to the cathedral. If I could go into my head, I would definitely lost in there. Everything seems to be jumble up. Too much wires connecting to every port. Part of me was condemning myself for being selfish and for not trusting Papa. The other part of me was trashing out how unfair it is for me. Unfair that I have to go through the hard time with broken family, loosing my value and crown and now I lost the man that I love. It's unfair because I won't live the life I wanted. I won't have much time with my husband, I have to provide for the family, my income will be the one and only income for the family. It's unfair that what I'm going through now won't stop but it keeps going on. Guess that I will finally rest once I die. But I vow to dedicate Papa my first born son and now He want my future husband? So yeah, that's what was going on in my head during lunch time.


Then, Papa clear up the fog in my head and open up my eyes to see. So this is what I think Papa told me,


"Who says pastors don't have time with his wife? Who says being a pastor you don't have a life? Who says you can't survive? Have you forgotten your favourite devotional book author also married to a pastor? She's still herself. She's still cool and hip. It means you can too. Don't worry. I sort it out for you already."


That's when I have a light bulb moment. I was selfish and I was wrong of thinking that way. So I pray in the prayer room in the cathedral for strength, for wisdom, for comfort and for forgiveness. I forgot my first love for Papa. I forgot how much I love Him that I dedicate my life for His work. I forgot I ask Him for a guy who seeks His heart and accept me for who I am. I forgot all of it. That moment I re-dedicate my whole life again to Papa. It's His dreams to be fulfill not mine. It's His will not mine. Surge of strength and peace began to fill up my soul as I pray to Papa. I cried. I cried for the love He have for me. I cried for His grace and mercies. I cried that I'm sorry. I cried for the privilege to be call as His servant to serve Him. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry. 


Love was waiting for me outside of the prayer room clueless of what's going on with me inside besides noticing the red rim around my eyes. I looked at him and told him to include me in everything that he do. Regardless what it is except to the bathroom where he have to do number 2 of course. I told him whatever it is his calling, I'm there to be with him. To support him and to love him more than I love him now. I may not know how much it meant to him but I really mean it to the core of my heart. Love, that's how much I love you. I don't mind if I have to forfeit everything as long I'm with you. Except the wedding. That one I'm still stubborn. =))

Just Updates

First of all, this is where I release all my frustrations, anger or whatever you call it.. Inner turmoil or something. Well, other than God and my boyfriend of course. First of all, I feel so fucked up. I wish I'm not going to swear but I've been swearing for these entire one month of uni life. Everything just plain bullshit. First week was shit. Bombarded by projects and assignments. Second week, I choose to escape from it by living in my own world. Didn't do my assignment when I can do it that time. Then I fell sick. Great. When I want to bounce back to get on track, I'm sick. Two weeks just wasted like that. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm disappointed, I'm just feeling everything. After that, I trace back my steps to the right track. I seriously need God. I need Him to set things right for me. I need Him to guide me, to lead me and to comfort me. I need Him to go through all of these. I yearn for Him. Most of the time I cry in the bathroom..(so I can shower straight after I cry). 

Well, Papa have been there for me. He save my ass twice this week. My assignment, was suppose to due last Friday but Papa understand my struggles. It postpone to this Friday. Which is today. Yesterday, I was crying my heart out to Love. Been crying to Papa ever since. Well, the assignment finally due next Monday. Things just get so confusing again after that. Anyways, I just don't care anymore. It's my fault that all of these happen. I know.. What should happen did.. I keep telling myself that Papa is bigger than any of my problems.. Papa will provide.. Papa is here with me to go through this.. In the end, here I am bitching it all out. Until halfway, I ask Love to hug me and I cried in his arms. 

Love, I know you definitely my ultimate stalker here which I never knew last time. Since I know now, I write to you la. Anyway, my point is, that I really appreciate your presence. I appreciate the time you spend with me hearing me crying my heart out. I appreciate your touch especially your hugs and even when you wipe my tears or holding hands. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I appreciate all the help that you have help me with. I appreciate all your sacrifices like your patience dealing with a person like me that have so much issues. I really really appreciate you as a person. Thanks for everything. Literally everything. I love you Love.

First master piece

"When you're fifteen, somebody tell you they love you you're gonna believe them. And when you're fifteen And you're first kiss makes your head spin around but in your life you do things greater than dating a boy on football team. I didn't know it at fifteen. When all you wanted is to be wanted. Wish you could go back And tell yourself what you know now. Back then I swore I'm gonna marry him one day then I realized some bigger dreams of mine. Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mine. We both cried. And when you're fifteen somebody tells you they you're gonna believe them. And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall. I found time can heal most anything and you just might found who you're suppose to be. I didn't know who I was suppose to be.. Fifteen.."


Gripping on the steering wheel, I cried my heart out to that song. That very same pain I have to go through like that poor girl in Taylor swift's song. The only difference, I was 18. I curse my life under my breath for my stupidity. Blaming myself day and night for giving away my life and my soul for a boy who vowed to be with me and the end of the day lied to me and leave me to die with nothing only but pain and shame. As I wipe the tear of my cheeks, I hit on the gas wishing I could just overturn the car and die. Conscience sipping its way through my mind. I need to pick my mom from school not to add up the misery and pain that's already there at home. My family will definitely fall apart if I die. My mom and my dad will definitely going to divorce because I'm not there to hold my parents together. My siblings can't move on because they need me to go through this hard time. I swallow every bit of pain and shame to the pit of my stomach. That very bit that I swallowed turn to stone.




Ignorance is my new best friend. Nothing satisfied me. Nothing cheered me. I grab my twilight: new moon book and continue reading it. Here I go again with her pain. Bella's pain. My pain. Sins of my past hung upon my neck. Dragging me down with my lowly life. Where is God? I see no God. I hear not His voice. I remember not Jesus. All I see is the pit of hell where I'm going to be for the rest of eternity. I'm destined to die in hell with the rest of scumbags and trash of the world. Enrage about my future and the lost of my soul, I was no longer an angel but a devil in disguise. Bloodlust that's all I know. I see no life. I see no future. I decided to hunt all of them down. One by one those who ruin my life. First stop, him. That very one man that took it all. When that moment arrive when I can feel their lives slipping away from my hands, I will devour their meat once they are dead. Why bother about God when you are already destined to rot hell. I'm already dead anyway. Why do I care. The Devil rejoice of what have become of me. Now he owns me. 


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They've come

There and back again. Uni life. First week, feels like I'm in the middle of semester. I got hit by huge assignments and projects tsunami. Drowning? You bet I will. In the end, to manage everything, I went out a LOT. Like really really A LOT. I'm glad Love was there and he still is here with me to go through it. I begin to settle in this week which is the second week. It's not only that that bugging me. These voices in my head. I've been trying to shut them up or kick them out. Usually I end up praying the Lord's prayer to go through it. Still praying it though. But the thing is, it intensify. 


" You're not good enough", "you can't make it", "you are not what he wants", "he don't really love you", "you are not worth it", "you are nothing", you are good for nothing",... etc etc etc..


Blah.. blah.. blah.. it sucks to have that in mind. Well, I get it I'm not Gisele, Tyra, Heidi or Megan Fox. But I'm me. Seriously, guys may drool (they do, they even fantasized of having sex with them anyway), but I am who I am. I'm good in being me. Fragile yet hard. Kind yet cruel. Soft yet harsh. Nobody else can be me except me. Papa loves me anyway. Those voices are just like dust. It can be blown away by winds. So does guilt and the "I should be". 


Being a girl is hard. What more a person like me who love to condemn myself. Well, most of us are. To really to absorb how much you value in someone's eye is harder than condemning yourself. I'm still learning though. Love, been telling me that I'm perfect to him. Yet, I feel I'm far from perfect. Not even close. I keep comparing myself to everyone I know or someone he knows. My definition of perfect, to be honest, I don't really know. Jessica Alba maybe. It's always been because of the outward appearance. Well, that's what people nowadays care about. 


Silly. I know. Actually what I need is inner peace. Only Papa can give me that peace. Peace in accepting my imperfection. Peace in accepting that I'm not the smartest girl in class. Peace in accepting that I failed my subject.Peace in accepting that I'm such a slow learner. Peace in knowing that I'm not having good grades. Peace in accepting that I'm not miss world. Peace that I'm not what I expected to be. Peace to be free from all of this. Peace to live the life Papa wants me to live. His peace is all I need. 

RanDom

I celebrated my new year's day with crying for the whole day. Sitting there on that white leather couch staring blankly on that black flat screen tv, seem to be normal for someone who has nothing to do. But it was not normal that day, red rim around the eyes, bloodshot eye balls and tears streaming down my cheeks. He's there beside me. Slithering his tongue speaking and whispering to me.

" There, there sweetheart. I told you so you will get hurt again. I told you so things won't work out. Do you know why? It's because of you. If you weren't with him, he won't suffer like this doesn't he? He could have been happy out there living a normal life he wanted to. He is better off without you. He deserve better. Why are you doing this to him? Go along dear. Run to your Father. Run and never come back to this road again. No matter how much you love one another, it will never work. It's unfair for him dear. If you love him, let him go. Guard yourself from this thing called love. It do you no good doesn't it? "

His reasons seem reasonable to me. I cried. I cried because I can't bear the pain of loosing him. I cried for the pain that he have to go through because of my mistakes. I called my Father deep in my soul. Groaning. I feel so alone. Within that chaotic mess of my head and my inner turmoil, I heard his voice.

"I hope whenever I get to see you again, I won't have to go through another new walls besides the one that already been there."

It seems so distance yet so near. Then things began to unfold. Then it came to me like a hammer hit on my skull.

" Love never fails. Love prevails."

I looked at him and his slithering tongue. I never thought of looking at him with such clear view. His words are like poisons. Every word of it. After all these years I believed him but not today. Not today.

Just love

" You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded. You say we'll never make my parents mistakes... You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine... And I remember that fight till 230am, you said everything is slipping out of our hands, I ran outside, crying, and you followed me out into the street. Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known. Then you caught me by surprise. You said, I'll never leave you alone... Do you believe it? We're gonna make it now.. And I can see it now.. I can see it now..."

" When I was younger I saw my daddy cry. He curse at the wind.He broke his own heart and I watched as he tries to reassemble it. And my momma swore she would never let herself forget. And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love, it does not exist.. But darling, you are my only exception.. you are my only exception.. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul, love never last. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, keep a straight face. And I've always live like this, keeping a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with my loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.. Well, you are, my only exception.. you are my only exception.. And I'm on my way to believe it... "

" Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive. Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find. Falls right into place, you are all that it takes. My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you. When I'm kissing you, it all start making sense. And all the questions I've been asking in my head. Like are you the one? Should I really trust? Crystal clear it become when I'm kissing you. Past love, they never got very far. Walls up, make sure I guarded my heart. And I promised I wouldn't do this till I knew it was right for me. And have you notice I loose my focus and the world around me disappears... I've never felt nothing like this.. You're making me open up. No point even trying to fight this. It kinda feel like it's love..."

Didn't know what I did could hurt you that bad. I thought everything was ok then it start all over again. Memories and familiarity caught me of guard. I've been here in this path before. Feels like dejavu. This is where it all started. The mark of my downfall. I could feel the floor is crumbling beneath my feet as the air became thicker and thicker making it so hard for me to breathe. My mind racing trying to think the right words to say keeping me from repeating the same mistake that I did before but it was too late. I hurt him. I hurt me. Everything I did just making it worst. I do what I know best, cry and reach out to my Father. Paramore lyrics mocking me at the back of my head.

"The truth will never set you free".

I curse them beneath my breath. I curled myself into a ball and weep softly. Just before I cry, my mom came in to check on me. I forced a smile and pretend my sleepy look in front of her.

Once the door was shut, I weep softly trying not to alarm my parents and waking up my little sister beside me. As I weep, it reminded me the same agony I have to go through a year ago. It reminds me of Bella in Twilight. I reached out to my little sister and cry my heart out as she comfort me patting my hands cracking some lousy jokes how ugly I look when I cry and how I seem to be snotting like a pig. I laughed and cry at the same time. it eased me. Then I continue to cry again till I finally sob like a baby while in my heart I continue to seek and reach out to my Father. That's when I heard loud thud. Tapping on the roof to be exact. God was pouring rain on Miri just to show that He weep too with me.(It happens all the time when I'm in Miri not Perth) As if Mother nature weep with me telling me she understand my pain. After a while, everything was just pitch black.