I celebrated my new year's day with crying for the whole day. Sitting there on that white leather couch staring blankly on that black flat screen tv, seem to be normal for someone who has nothing to do. But it was not normal that day, red rim around the eyes, bloodshot eye balls and tears streaming down my cheeks. He's there beside me. Slithering his tongue speaking and whispering to me.
" There, there sweetheart. I told you so you will get hurt again. I told you so things won't work out. Do you know why? It's because of you. If you weren't with him, he won't suffer like this doesn't he? He could have been happy out there living a normal life he wanted to. He is better off without you. He deserve better. Why are you doing this to him? Go along dear. Run to your Father. Run and never come back to this road again. No matter how much you love one another, it will never work. It's unfair for him dear. If you love him, let him go. Guard yourself from this thing called love. It do you no good doesn't it? "
His reasons seem reasonable to me. I cried. I cried because I can't bear the pain of loosing him. I cried for the pain that he have to go through because of my mistakes. I called my Father deep in my soul. Groaning. I feel so alone. Within that chaotic mess of my head and my inner turmoil, I heard his voice.
"I hope whenever I get to see you again, I won't have to go through another new walls besides the one that already been there."
It seems so distance yet so near. Then things began to unfold. Then it came to me like a hammer hit on my skull.
" Love never fails. Love prevails."
I looked at him and his slithering tongue. I never thought of looking at him with such clear view. His words are like poisons. Every word of it. After all these years I believed him but not today. Not today.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Just love
" You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded. You say we'll never make my parents mistakes... You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine... And I remember that fight till 230am, you said everything is slipping out of our hands, I ran outside, crying, and you followed me out into the street. Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known. Then you caught me by surprise. You said, I'll never leave you alone... Do you believe it? We're gonna make it now.. And I can see it now.. I can see it now..."
" When I was younger I saw my daddy cry. He curse at the wind.He broke his own heart and I watched as he tries to reassemble it. And my momma swore she would never let herself forget. And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love, it does not exist.. But darling, you are my only exception.. you are my only exception.. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul, love never last. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, keep a straight face. And I've always live like this, keeping a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with my loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.. Well, you are, my only exception.. you are my only exception.. And I'm on my way to believe it... "
" Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive. Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find. Falls right into place, you are all that it takes. My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you. When I'm kissing you, it all start making sense. And all the questions I've been asking in my head. Like are you the one? Should I really trust? Crystal clear it become when I'm kissing you. Past love, they never got very far. Walls up, make sure I guarded my heart. And I promised I wouldn't do this till I knew it was right for me. And have you notice I loose my focus and the world around me disappears... I've never felt nothing like this.. You're making me open up. No point even trying to fight this. It kinda feel like it's love..."
Didn't know what I did could hurt you that bad. I thought everything was ok then it start all over again. Memories and familiarity caught me of guard. I've been here in this path before. Feels like dejavu. This is where it all started. The mark of my downfall. I could feel the floor is crumbling beneath my feet as the air became thicker and thicker making it so hard for me to breathe. My mind racing trying to think the right words to say keeping me from repeating the same mistake that I did before but it was too late. I hurt him. I hurt me. Everything I did just making it worst. I do what I know best, cry and reach out to my Father. Paramore lyrics mocking me at the back of my head.
"The truth will never set you free".
I curse them beneath my breath. I curled myself into a ball and weep softly. Just before I cry, my mom came in to check on me. I forced a smile and pretend my sleepy look in front of her.
Once the door was shut, I weep softly trying not to alarm my parents and waking up my little sister beside me. As I weep, it reminded me the same agony I have to go through a year ago. It reminds me of Bella in Twilight. I reached out to my little sister and cry my heart out as she comfort me patting my hands cracking some lousy jokes how ugly I look when I cry and how I seem to be snotting like a pig. I laughed and cry at the same time. it eased me. Then I continue to cry again till I finally sob like a baby while in my heart I continue to seek and reach out to my Father. That's when I heard loud thud. Tapping on the roof to be exact. God was pouring rain on Miri just to show that He weep too with me.(It happens all the time when I'm in Miri not Perth) As if Mother nature weep with me telling me she understand my pain. After a while, everything was just pitch black.
" When I was younger I saw my daddy cry. He curse at the wind.He broke his own heart and I watched as he tries to reassemble it. And my momma swore she would never let herself forget. And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love, it does not exist.. But darling, you are my only exception.. you are my only exception.. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul, love never last. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, keep a straight face. And I've always live like this, keeping a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with my loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.. Well, you are, my only exception.. you are my only exception.. And I'm on my way to believe it... "
" Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive. Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find. Falls right into place, you are all that it takes. My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you. When I'm kissing you, it all start making sense. And all the questions I've been asking in my head. Like are you the one? Should I really trust? Crystal clear it become when I'm kissing you. Past love, they never got very far. Walls up, make sure I guarded my heart. And I promised I wouldn't do this till I knew it was right for me. And have you notice I loose my focus and the world around me disappears... I've never felt nothing like this.. You're making me open up. No point even trying to fight this. It kinda feel like it's love..."
Didn't know what I did could hurt you that bad. I thought everything was ok then it start all over again. Memories and familiarity caught me of guard. I've been here in this path before. Feels like dejavu. This is where it all started. The mark of my downfall. I could feel the floor is crumbling beneath my feet as the air became thicker and thicker making it so hard for me to breathe. My mind racing trying to think the right words to say keeping me from repeating the same mistake that I did before but it was too late. I hurt him. I hurt me. Everything I did just making it worst. I do what I know best, cry and reach out to my Father. Paramore lyrics mocking me at the back of my head.
"The truth will never set you free".
I curse them beneath my breath. I curled myself into a ball and weep softly. Just before I cry, my mom came in to check on me. I forced a smile and pretend my sleepy look in front of her.
Once the door was shut, I weep softly trying not to alarm my parents and waking up my little sister beside me. As I weep, it reminded me the same agony I have to go through a year ago. It reminds me of Bella in Twilight. I reached out to my little sister and cry my heart out as she comfort me patting my hands cracking some lousy jokes how ugly I look when I cry and how I seem to be snotting like a pig. I laughed and cry at the same time. it eased me. Then I continue to cry again till I finally sob like a baby while in my heart I continue to seek and reach out to my Father. That's when I heard loud thud. Tapping on the roof to be exact. God was pouring rain on Miri just to show that He weep too with me.(It happens all the time when I'm in Miri not Perth) As if Mother nature weep with me telling me she understand my pain. After a while, everything was just pitch black.
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