Raging sea

I was drowning in the sea of doubts and insecurity. Today I'm paddling through the raging wave. I sit in front of my mirror on the floor as I gaze intently on my reflection as I slowly brushed my hair. 


"Jen." He whispered.


"Oo Jennifer." He called me.


"Nice hair. By the way, you don't look good. Not that you are ugly. Well, maybe you are compared to the others. Which the others that he used to be with. Anyway,did you check out those exes he had. I hope you did. Can't blame you feeling so down about that. They are indeed better than you. If I were him, why bother to go with a fat cow like you. I'm not being mean, it's the truth. You can't even wear size 6. What to be proud of having you around anyway? Look at yourself. Look at that reflection of yours, what good do you see? "He snickered.


I did what he said. I looked at my reflection and find nothing to be proud of. I kept silent trying not to let it affect me. I tried to mute his voice as his words started to penetrate my shield of truth.


"I am loved. Papa loves me. He always has always been and always will love me." I recited.


As his voice getting louder and louder, my strength and confidence begin to crack. Memory of my conversation with Love flashes back.


"Remember the ring Baby. That's my promised. And you know my answer. I love you and I only want you." 

It didn't work. He didn't stop instead his voice got louder and louder and I barely can hold myself with all the comparison and condemnation. I was about to yell back at him that I am not weak, that I am pretty, that I am worth it, that I am loved, a tear dropped on my knee stopped me. He shattered that shield and I'm losing my grip. I fell for that again for a gazillion time.