I seriously don't know how explain my struggles to both side of my friends. One side my church friends which I hold dearly to my heart and the other side is my course mates. Gladly enough they are Christians.. Some of them not. Here's the thing, I skip my class because I'm stress with the things I need to do for the church. I'm being push from that side. I get it what people say about stretch of faith. I totally got it. While on the other side, I skip church meeting because I'm stress with my uni life. At the end of the day, I'm just screwed.
Why do they expect so much from me? I mean those who are from the church. If I'm not there to go for the meeting, they give me the look. You know, the look. That "I'm so disappointed in you" kind of look. Not that I want to. I always ask why other people say they can't people can consider their situation but if it is me, hell no they consider my situation. It's like my life is to say yes. I don't mind if I'm not studying and doing nothing. And for the last time, I'm doing geology for goodness sake. Sigh.
This semester, I'm all screwed. I can cry all I want but it won't save me anyway. Miracles from heaven? I'm sorry Papa but I'm just being honest. Try me. I believe in life miracles not in terms of studying. Papa did save me numerous time but I personally don't think He will do the same this time. It's my fault I screw up. It's my fault I did try hard enough. It's my fault I didn't study much. It's my fault that I didn't do well. It's my fault.. It's my fault.. It's my fault and lots of strings on it. It's all my fault.
Have you ever feel like how is it feel like to live with guilt? I do. Now I'm living with it again. I blame my downfall in my studies and my responsibilities in church on me. I blame myself in anytime of the day whenever I'm alone. Like now. Like when I'm in the shower, crying. So yeah. I don't have anything else to say. All I know, it's always been my fault from the very beginning.
No comments:
Post a Comment