They've come

There and back again. Uni life. First week, feels like I'm in the middle of semester. I got hit by huge assignments and projects tsunami. Drowning? You bet I will. In the end, to manage everything, I went out a LOT. Like really really A LOT. I'm glad Love was there and he still is here with me to go through it. I begin to settle in this week which is the second week. It's not only that that bugging me. These voices in my head. I've been trying to shut them up or kick them out. Usually I end up praying the Lord's prayer to go through it. Still praying it though. But the thing is, it intensify. 


" You're not good enough", "you can't make it", "you are not what he wants", "he don't really love you", "you are not worth it", "you are nothing", you are good for nothing",... etc etc etc..


Blah.. blah.. blah.. it sucks to have that in mind. Well, I get it I'm not Gisele, Tyra, Heidi or Megan Fox. But I'm me. Seriously, guys may drool (they do, they even fantasized of having sex with them anyway), but I am who I am. I'm good in being me. Fragile yet hard. Kind yet cruel. Soft yet harsh. Nobody else can be me except me. Papa loves me anyway. Those voices are just like dust. It can be blown away by winds. So does guilt and the "I should be". 


Being a girl is hard. What more a person like me who love to condemn myself. Well, most of us are. To really to absorb how much you value in someone's eye is harder than condemning yourself. I'm still learning though. Love, been telling me that I'm perfect to him. Yet, I feel I'm far from perfect. Not even close. I keep comparing myself to everyone I know or someone he knows. My definition of perfect, to be honest, I don't really know. Jessica Alba maybe. It's always been because of the outward appearance. Well, that's what people nowadays care about. 


Silly. I know. Actually what I need is inner peace. Only Papa can give me that peace. Peace in accepting my imperfection. Peace in accepting that I'm not the smartest girl in class. Peace in accepting that I failed my subject.Peace in accepting that I'm such a slow learner. Peace in knowing that I'm not having good grades. Peace in accepting that I'm not miss world. Peace that I'm not what I expected to be. Peace to be free from all of this. Peace to live the life Papa wants me to live. His peace is all I need.