Sunday, June 5, 2011
A Little Prayer
Papa, I come before you with nothing to offer except a humble spirit. Father, I admit I mess up. Papa, I came to You with everything have been stripped away from me. I admit I'm angry. I admit I am hurt. I admit its painful to go through all this. Papa, I believe You will provide. I believe You will help me. I believe You will help me to go through this. I believe in You Papa. With nothing left, I cling to Your promises. Papa, I believe You are with me to go through this. I believe You have not forsaken me. Papa, I believe in You. Papa, I need You. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Insecurities
Insecurity is a bitch. She haunts us day and night. She took pleasure in our pain, our fear, our brokenness, our shame, our loneliness and our guilts. I kicked her out for so many times but she keeps on coming. Each time with a force much greater than the previous.
"You are not good enough"
"You are stupid"
"You are ugly"
"Why can't you be like your sister?"
"Why can't you be like the other kids?"
Sound familiar? It does to me. I've been compared to my super smart straight A's cousin. I've been compared to my prettier and smarter little sister. I've been compared to another Jennifer in my school. To make things worst, she's in my class.Imagine that. She's pretty, guys drooled over her, guys worshipped her and she's smart. As for me, I'm fat, stupid, a nobody and not worth knowing. To go through all of that just plain hard. I learnt one thing that time, to swallow the pain and pretend nothing ever happen. Pretend I was not hurt and pretend I was ok. I was so good in pretending that I live like it. I have forgotten that I was pretending I wasn't hurt. Deep down I'm broken.
Its hard for my partner now to live with that. He has to break that walls I have built for years. I appreciate his effort and persistency. Now, I'm free from it. I'm free to be myself. I remember that day when we were courting (we still do now) he told me to promise him not to build any walls than the one I already have. I keep that promise until now. Tearing down those walls was gruelling and exhausting process but we managed to pull through. He was there to be with me even if he has the chance to say goodbye to me. Do you know that song "Halo" by Beyonce? That's one of a few songs I can expressed my appreciation to him.
I'm grateful for him and honoured to be called his. I'm looking forward for the life ahead of us. No matter how hard it is, I want to be with him. Just like in High School Musical song, I just want to be with you. I know this may sound silly for I'm barely 22 years old and I'm talking like I'm 28 and ready to get married. I mean it anyway. I'm willing to stand by him to go through all the insanity of this world and tons of responsibilities ahead. I admit it's hard and tiring for me, but I choose to love and to stand with the man that I love. After what we have been through, God taught me one thing which I was so very familiar with in my past life, humility.
When life seems to pick up its pace and you feel like you're soaring, you tend to forget the One who lifts you up from your downfall. You make friends with the luxury of the world and drifted by the prosperity that you gained. Once reality strike, then you realised the existence of the One who love you so dearly. As for me, I was blessed from the very beginning. Some may view it as a curse but to me, if it wasn't because of those curses I won't be who I am now. I was so proud with what I have , with what I gained and with what I'm blessed with until I forget if was from Him.
Now I'm learning that value of humbleness that I once had. I'm forced to learn to give out of nothing as an offering to the ever loving Father, learn to sacrifice my luxury of eating out and humbled myself to enhance my cooking skills in the kitchen (it's not that bad anyway since I love cooking =)), learn to share even though I can barely have enough for myself (a skill I used to have which was lost) and learn to sacrifice what is dear to you for the need of others (which is hard when you understand the value of it and have to give it away). I'm like Hayden in Heroes. Well, not exactly. What I meant is her famous saying, "I walk through fire but I didn't get burned". God is refining me in that fire now to stretch my faith and trust in Him.
I also learned another thing too, there's a difference when you give in time of plenty and in time of in need. Just like that Widow who gave her last pennies of her saving to the offering box in the Temple. People may not see her or even aware of her affliction but Jesus did. At this moment, I can relate to that Widow. Every cents or dollars that I give is like giving the very bits of my life in it. I always told love that it's not that I'm going to die if I don't have this or that. Deep down, you know it hurts to give away something that you need. For example, you reduce the amount of food you ate so that your siblings can have it as the food left wasn't that much to sustain the whole family. When your parents ask you to take some more, you lied telling them you are full but in fact you were still hungry. Its hard but one of the noble sacrifice that only God witnessed it.
Papa stretch my faith till that far. Even though I didn't see His help going to come anytime soon, I still cling to His promise that He will provide, He will protect and He will continue to bless me. I believe He will provide the food on the table even if I don't have much money to buy food and to eat out. I believe He will provide all my necessities as a woman like shampoo, pads, deodorant..etc (you get what I mean) even though I don't have any money for me to spend. I believe He will improve my financial state even though I have to cancel my trip to Hillsongs and use that money to pay the bills and gas. My point is I believe that Papa will help me although life is hard for me now.
Papa, I know that things are just plain hard for me right now but I believe in You. I believe that You will provide, I believe that You will help me to pull me through this situation, I believe You will continue to bless me and guide me. Papa, no matter how hard it is, I won't turn my back on you. You are still my God. I will still praise You and worship You. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.
"You are not good enough"
"You are stupid"
"You are ugly"
"Why can't you be like your sister?"
"Why can't you be like the other kids?"
Sound familiar? It does to me. I've been compared to my super smart straight A's cousin. I've been compared to my prettier and smarter little sister. I've been compared to another Jennifer in my school. To make things worst, she's in my class.Imagine that. She's pretty, guys drooled over her, guys worshipped her and she's smart. As for me, I'm fat, stupid, a nobody and not worth knowing. To go through all of that just plain hard. I learnt one thing that time, to swallow the pain and pretend nothing ever happen. Pretend I was not hurt and pretend I was ok. I was so good in pretending that I live like it. I have forgotten that I was pretending I wasn't hurt. Deep down I'm broken.
Its hard for my partner now to live with that. He has to break that walls I have built for years. I appreciate his effort and persistency. Now, I'm free from it. I'm free to be myself. I remember that day when we were courting (we still do now) he told me to promise him not to build any walls than the one I already have. I keep that promise until now. Tearing down those walls was gruelling and exhausting process but we managed to pull through. He was there to be with me even if he has the chance to say goodbye to me. Do you know that song "Halo" by Beyonce? That's one of a few songs I can expressed my appreciation to him.
I'm grateful for him and honoured to be called his. I'm looking forward for the life ahead of us. No matter how hard it is, I want to be with him. Just like in High School Musical song, I just want to be with you. I know this may sound silly for I'm barely 22 years old and I'm talking like I'm 28 and ready to get married. I mean it anyway. I'm willing to stand by him to go through all the insanity of this world and tons of responsibilities ahead. I admit it's hard and tiring for me, but I choose to love and to stand with the man that I love. After what we have been through, God taught me one thing which I was so very familiar with in my past life, humility.
When life seems to pick up its pace and you feel like you're soaring, you tend to forget the One who lifts you up from your downfall. You make friends with the luxury of the world and drifted by the prosperity that you gained. Once reality strike, then you realised the existence of the One who love you so dearly. As for me, I was blessed from the very beginning. Some may view it as a curse but to me, if it wasn't because of those curses I won't be who I am now. I was so proud with what I have , with what I gained and with what I'm blessed with until I forget if was from Him.
Now I'm learning that value of humbleness that I once had. I'm forced to learn to give out of nothing as an offering to the ever loving Father, learn to sacrifice my luxury of eating out and humbled myself to enhance my cooking skills in the kitchen (it's not that bad anyway since I love cooking =)), learn to share even though I can barely have enough for myself (a skill I used to have which was lost) and learn to sacrifice what is dear to you for the need of others (which is hard when you understand the value of it and have to give it away). I'm like Hayden in Heroes. Well, not exactly. What I meant is her famous saying, "I walk through fire but I didn't get burned". God is refining me in that fire now to stretch my faith and trust in Him.
I also learned another thing too, there's a difference when you give in time of plenty and in time of in need. Just like that Widow who gave her last pennies of her saving to the offering box in the Temple. People may not see her or even aware of her affliction but Jesus did. At this moment, I can relate to that Widow. Every cents or dollars that I give is like giving the very bits of my life in it. I always told love that it's not that I'm going to die if I don't have this or that. Deep down, you know it hurts to give away something that you need. For example, you reduce the amount of food you ate so that your siblings can have it as the food left wasn't that much to sustain the whole family. When your parents ask you to take some more, you lied telling them you are full but in fact you were still hungry. Its hard but one of the noble sacrifice that only God witnessed it.
Papa stretch my faith till that far. Even though I didn't see His help going to come anytime soon, I still cling to His promise that He will provide, He will protect and He will continue to bless me. I believe He will provide the food on the table even if I don't have much money to buy food and to eat out. I believe He will provide all my necessities as a woman like shampoo, pads, deodorant..etc (you get what I mean) even though I don't have any money for me to spend. I believe He will improve my financial state even though I have to cancel my trip to Hillsongs and use that money to pay the bills and gas. My point is I believe that Papa will help me although life is hard for me now.
Papa, I know that things are just plain hard for me right now but I believe in You. I believe that You will provide, I believe that You will help me to pull me through this situation, I believe You will continue to bless me and guide me. Papa, no matter how hard it is, I won't turn my back on you. You are still my God. I will still praise You and worship You. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Dark Night
"Love, do you love me?"
He looked at me with that same puzzled look that he always gave me whenever I asked that question.
"Is that a trick question?" He asked back.
"Of course I love you." He answered and hugging me tightly at the same time.
"Stupid bitch." The voice in my head told me.
"Here's the thing sugar, he's doing great and the opportunities for him to shine just keep coming. It's like wave by wave. And you know what that's mean. FYI, you fucked up and yeah. Just so you know, you can barely keep up with the pace. It's either you or the things he do. Still don't get it? Let me remind you what happened in your past relationship." The voice told me.
The moment the voice said that, I was pinned by a tsunami of fear, pain, hurt, abandonment, and loneliness.
"Yes dear. Remember that? Remember what happened to you in the past? Are you scared now? You should be. Coz it's going to happen again." The voice left me with a smile of victory as it leaves me with a pain in my chest and hot stream of tears begin to buildup in my eyes.
"No!" I screamed at the back of throat.
"He loves me..." I choked into whispers.
Doubt begins to flood in my head. I try to fight back. But it wasn't enough. Until, I hurt love last nite. He cried. I cried. We both cried. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself that I wanted to throw myself down on the floor and sleep there for the rest of the nite or torture myself outside on the balcony in the cold nite and let the coolness of the wind bite my bones to dust. I weeped on the other side of the bed hoping that love wouldn't notice it. I failed. After a while he turned to me and hugged me. Then I finally gave in to the sorrow of my pain. My chest was pounding so hard that I literally can feel my heart was going to burst out of my chest. The throbbing in head was killing me. The pain snake its way to my eye and the bridge of my nose. My stomach was churning. My head was spinning. All I can feel is pain. Shame. Guilt. The last thing I know, I was still weeping softly and then I passed out until the morning light seeping its way through the curtain to announce the arrival of a new dawn.
He looked at me with that same puzzled look that he always gave me whenever I asked that question.
"Is that a trick question?" He asked back.
"Of course I love you." He answered and hugging me tightly at the same time.
"Stupid bitch." The voice in my head told me.
"Here's the thing sugar, he's doing great and the opportunities for him to shine just keep coming. It's like wave by wave. And you know what that's mean. FYI, you fucked up and yeah. Just so you know, you can barely keep up with the pace. It's either you or the things he do. Still don't get it? Let me remind you what happened in your past relationship." The voice told me.
The moment the voice said that, I was pinned by a tsunami of fear, pain, hurt, abandonment, and loneliness.
"Yes dear. Remember that? Remember what happened to you in the past? Are you scared now? You should be. Coz it's going to happen again." The voice left me with a smile of victory as it leaves me with a pain in my chest and hot stream of tears begin to buildup in my eyes.
"No!" I screamed at the back of throat.
"He loves me..." I choked into whispers.
Doubt begins to flood in my head. I try to fight back. But it wasn't enough. Until, I hurt love last nite. He cried. I cried. We both cried. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself that I wanted to throw myself down on the floor and sleep there for the rest of the nite or torture myself outside on the balcony in the cold nite and let the coolness of the wind bite my bones to dust. I weeped on the other side of the bed hoping that love wouldn't notice it. I failed. After a while he turned to me and hugged me. Then I finally gave in to the sorrow of my pain. My chest was pounding so hard that I literally can feel my heart was going to burst out of my chest. The throbbing in head was killing me. The pain snake its way to my eye and the bridge of my nose. My stomach was churning. My head was spinning. All I can feel is pain. Shame. Guilt. The last thing I know, I was still weeping softly and then I passed out until the morning light seeping its way through the curtain to announce the arrival of a new dawn.
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