Papa

" I had enough with all your nonsense!" 


He yelled at me as he hurriedly grabbing all the shirts and pants laid on the bed. Words just cannot describe how I felt that moment. I was angry, I was disappointed and I was hurt. I looked at him shoving his clothes in the bag then I realize I could not take this anymore. I have been in this road before. I choose to leave and not to be left by him. Sorrow and pain fills up my whole being before I took that step to walk away. Walk away from that broken relationship, walk away from that pain and walk away from the man that I truly love.


My eyes fluttered. That is when I realize everything was just a dream. Then I turn left to see whether it is true. There I saw he was sleeping soundly like a baby beside me. I nudge his shoulder asking him to hug me. Hugging me from that terrible dream. As the light of the dawn seeping through the holes of the curtains, I was wide awake thinking about my dreams. Papa was the first thing I think about. Who is going to pray this time? Is it me or is it beloved? But he is still sleeping. I fell asleep again when my mind was too occupied by all these questions.


"Baby, I think Papa spoke to me today. About serving Him full time."


The moment I heard it, my head spin. Everything seems to be too much for me to digest. I have head splitting work to do, trying to go back on track by doing the right thing and walking the right way according to Papa's will and trying to manage my unmanageable life. It's just too much. Deep down I was torn. The first thing that pops in my head once he said full time, is no. N.O.NO! If Papa was there, I would definitely gave Him the look. You know the look when you want that person to not encourage the other person in pursuing their dream. Instead of saying anything back, I just smile.


It was during lunch time, I finally spoke to him telling that I need to go to the cathedral. If I could go into my head, I would definitely lost in there. Everything seems to be jumble up. Too much wires connecting to every port. Part of me was condemning myself for being selfish and for not trusting Papa. The other part of me was trashing out how unfair it is for me. Unfair that I have to go through the hard time with broken family, loosing my value and crown and now I lost the man that I love. It's unfair because I won't live the life I wanted. I won't have much time with my husband, I have to provide for the family, my income will be the one and only income for the family. It's unfair that what I'm going through now won't stop but it keeps going on. Guess that I will finally rest once I die. But I vow to dedicate Papa my first born son and now He want my future husband? So yeah, that's what was going on in my head during lunch time.


Then, Papa clear up the fog in my head and open up my eyes to see. So this is what I think Papa told me,


"Who says pastors don't have time with his wife? Who says being a pastor you don't have a life? Who says you can't survive? Have you forgotten your favourite devotional book author also married to a pastor? She's still herself. She's still cool and hip. It means you can too. Don't worry. I sort it out for you already."


That's when I have a light bulb moment. I was selfish and I was wrong of thinking that way. So I pray in the prayer room in the cathedral for strength, for wisdom, for comfort and for forgiveness. I forgot my first love for Papa. I forgot how much I love Him that I dedicate my life for His work. I forgot I ask Him for a guy who seeks His heart and accept me for who I am. I forgot all of it. That moment I re-dedicate my whole life again to Papa. It's His dreams to be fulfill not mine. It's His will not mine. Surge of strength and peace began to fill up my soul as I pray to Papa. I cried. I cried for the love He have for me. I cried for His grace and mercies. I cried that I'm sorry. I cried for the privilege to be call as His servant to serve Him. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry. 


Love was waiting for me outside of the prayer room clueless of what's going on with me inside besides noticing the red rim around my eyes. I looked at him and told him to include me in everything that he do. Regardless what it is except to the bathroom where he have to do number 2 of course. I told him whatever it is his calling, I'm there to be with him. To support him and to love him more than I love him now. I may not know how much it meant to him but I really mean it to the core of my heart. Love, that's how much I love you. I don't mind if I have to forfeit everything as long I'm with you. Except the wedding. That one I'm still stubborn. =))