Faith

Hey, it's me again. Few days ago I was so frustrated with most of the things that is going on in my life. I'm happy for love that he is serving now. Seeing him enjoying himself playing bass makes me happy. What more if it is for God. I remember that day, I condemned myself the most at the back of my head.


"Useless cell helper! You did nothing!"


"Filthy steward! Where's all your money now?"


Well, that's just some of them. I've tormented myself with uselessness, self pity, anger and hurt. 


"Where are You Papa?" I asked as I looked up to the blue sky hoping to see the glimpse of Heaven to find Papa.


"Papa, I need You."


"Papa, I'm screwed up. I'm sorry."


"Papa, I want You to fix me."


"Papa, I want You".


"Papa.. I really need You."


Those whispers is like my mantra every single day. Sometimes I choose to swallow my tears and keep my pride not to cry in front of beloved. Until that Sunday,


"B, are you ok?" he asked as he knows the look in my face.


I looked at him as the well of tears start pouring out. The sermon that day was inspiring. It breaks down the wall that I unknowingly built around my heart.Deep in my soul, I yearn for Him. I longed to be with my beloved Papa. Everything just keep pushing me and I just lost that passion and it becomes a sense of duty instead the things that I love to do. 


"Sort of" I answered him.


"I yearn to serve Him. I want to serve because I want to serve and not being pushed around and doing some errands. I feel like I'm going down and you going up. I feel like I'm a useless cell helper. I did nothing..." I continued on and on and on with my tears oozing down my cheeks.


Love advise me, talk to me and calmed me. He always told me how good I am and I did all the job well done. As usual, I told him I didn't do enough. There is so much negativity within me. Self rejection, self hatred, anything that makes me hate myself is relevant to it. I just want to feel loved. I just want to be loved. I guess that's why. I don't want to be wanted for the wrong reason. I don't want someone want me in because I have a car. I don't want someone want me to do stuffs because they know I won't say no. I just want to be wanted because of who I am. 


Love is always one of that person that accept me for who I am. I know God definitely do. Sometimes, when all you can feel is hurt and pain, your mind will be entirely blinded by it. Most of the time I forget, that GOD is way way much BIGGER than the world, the universe, the galaxy, the earth, the hurricanes, the tornadoes, the volcanoes, the oceans, the sky and everything else. I admit. I'm blind. Until now I can't really see the whole picture of God's love.


What I think about God? He's disappointed in me as I did not do my work as a cell helper. He's angry at me for I did not spend my money wisely and I'm a bad steward of His gifts. He just plain didn't like me. That's what I think. I don't even think He'll help me because I don't see that help coming for my rescue. That's how bad it is I am now. Where's the love go? 


Then I recap again what I have been through for the past one month. God was there all the time. Crying with me, holding my hand to walk through those hard days and comfort me with His peace once I'm done crying my heart out. I longed for His presence so does He longed for me to rekindle back that relationship that we once had. He was there sending out people like friends to help me out. Most are just happy to help while I feel guilty for them to do all the work to help me out. God help me out in a way I didn't even think of. even though as simple as a friends help. I'm not saying that I'm ok now. I'm still dealing with that issue. I write this as a testimony to myself that God is really there to be with me.