misSiNg thE joY of WritinG

Sitting on the dull grey cushion chair in front of the flat screen PC doing nothing. Nothing. Just feels like doing things absent minded at this very moment. Was about to breathe to clear my thoughts and my suffocating chest that's when he came in.

"Well, well, well. Look who do we have here? " he sneered under his foul breath of lies as he brushed my bangs aside just to have a clear view of my dead eyes. He smiled for all he can see is fear shooting through my eyes.

"Fuck off!" I muted under my breath. He grinned.

"Fascinating. Feisty. Have you forgotten Jennifer? I made you.If it wasn't because of me, you'll be an outcast! If it wasn't because of me you will be use all the time! I taught you to stand for yourself. I taught you to fight back. I taught you to hunt them down. I taught you to kill them without shedding any blood. Never forget that. I made you. Look at you! Weak! Useless! Idiot! Worthless! What dignity you have left? You sell your soul to me just to get the man you love. I own you sweety. You are mine. Who's gonna save you? Jesus? Tell me little one, where is He when you are hurt? Where is He when you need someone to help you? Do you think you are worthy to be call as His daughter? Do you think He really even have a glimps of you? He's holy. Who do you think you are? You are tainted. Disgrace. Remember that bitch. You are a wretch". He left me speechless with those michevious smile of his again.

As he wanted to stride off, he came by my side leaning to my left ear whispering.

" I own you Jennifer. You are mine". Then he just walk out. That very moment I truly wish he just walk out of my life and never come back.

zOmBie

Literally I'm a zombie now. Didn't have enough sleep to sustain my body tiredness. Fatigue. The caffeine kicks in trying to rejuvenate my dead body. Haha. So much things going on so far. Last week mom and Greg had a minor accident. Thank God nothing happened to both of them. Sadly, my baby Toyota Camry was not that lucky. My sister just finish her lower secondary national exam. She's freaking out about it. Beloved, how many times do I have to tell you, regardless what you get and what happens to you I love you still and I'm always proud of you. Mom and dad can disowned you but I will always love you and do whatever I can to help you. Dear lovely brother, why have you turn bitter? Have I did wrong in helping you with the hard life we are going through? Why do you ignore me when all I want to do is to show you that there is someone cares about you? Should I die as Christ had died for me to show you how much I love you? Why my brother? Has rejection, hurt, pain and anger eats away your soul? Why live in the darkness while I offered to you my hand to walk with me in the Light? I love you unconditionally. I took care all of you since you were little baby whom I cradled in my arms. Did you not know or did you not see how much I love you? One day I hope you realise how much all of you means to me...

RaNDoM

So, I've done my phase diagram test yesterday. To my surprise, I felt nothing at all until the very last 10 minutes of my test when I realise that I've mix up my answer with another question. Two more question to go yet the question that I was answering was for that two last questions. I started to freak out. Begging God for mercy, speed and wit. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter at all. What matters is what God is trying to teach me. TRUST. He wants me to trust Him. The very same prayer I've always pray each day. I've always envy those who'd been appreciated by other even for the smallest things they have done. I've always envy those who always complain about their petty life yet they always do well. I envy them. When someone told me, anger is their main issue in life, for me it's envy. Through that envy I always look down upon myself not that help much if people around you already did look down upon you. But I'm forever thankful to God for His faithfulness. I fell, He pick me up and lift me up. Each day, God chipped away my pride and envy which have grown thick over the years. Whenever I feel I'm small compared to others, God reminds me that He too loves me regardless of people's view. He reminds me of His countless time saving my neck from failing. He always did. Others may boast they get 70/80/90 but I will forever boast that God always make a way for me to go through it. Heavenly Father, I thank You for the love that You have shown to me. Humble me from my pride Father and help me to see just the way You see. Grant me a teachable heart so that I may learn to trust You more and more each day. Guide me Father. Lead me and teach me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

FruStrAtioNs

Okay, I did study for my tomorrow igneous test before I went for the mapping fieldtrip. I did borrow an igneous book from the library as my reference book (so called). Neways, as I tried to do the lab sheet of the phase diagrams, I feel like dropping the F-bomb to Ron (which is the lecturer of the unit) because the lecture note doesn't help at all and so does the book I've borrowed. I've email him twice regarding my need of an aid in this matter but no reply. I'd emailed him before i went to field trip.. no reply. yesterday I'd email him again.. no reply.. again. For goodness sake. I know it's wrong to act this way but I am so damn pissed off. I've ask during tutorial, but it doesn't help either. What pissing me of is that I'm not that kind of person who grasp things quickly. I'm not that bright like bunch of them who complains how hard it is but they get extinction in exams while me, it is by the grace of God i didn't fail. I feel like screaming for now. Too bad I'm in the library now trying to work out my way to understand the phase diagram. sigh. Lord, I'm sorry. I don't want to fail any unit. I've been a laughing stock in my life. They don't think I can go this far but You prove them wrong. You shame them by raising me up to this place. Each time I pray asking You to teach to trust You more each day. Maybe this day is that day. Lord, I ask for Yourn strength to strengthen me for I am weak. I ask upom Your wisdom in helping me in my studies. I ask for courage to face the world and I ask for Your peace and assurance of love, company, guidance and protection. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.