Faith

Hey, it's me again. Few days ago I was so frustrated with most of the things that is going on in my life. I'm happy for love that he is serving now. Seeing him enjoying himself playing bass makes me happy. What more if it is for God. I remember that day, I condemned myself the most at the back of my head.


"Useless cell helper! You did nothing!"


"Filthy steward! Where's all your money now?"


Well, that's just some of them. I've tormented myself with uselessness, self pity, anger and hurt. 


"Where are You Papa?" I asked as I looked up to the blue sky hoping to see the glimpse of Heaven to find Papa.


"Papa, I need You."


"Papa, I'm screwed up. I'm sorry."


"Papa, I want You to fix me."


"Papa, I want You".


"Papa.. I really need You."


Those whispers is like my mantra every single day. Sometimes I choose to swallow my tears and keep my pride not to cry in front of beloved. Until that Sunday,


"B, are you ok?" he asked as he knows the look in my face.


I looked at him as the well of tears start pouring out. The sermon that day was inspiring. It breaks down the wall that I unknowingly built around my heart.Deep in my soul, I yearn for Him. I longed to be with my beloved Papa. Everything just keep pushing me and I just lost that passion and it becomes a sense of duty instead the things that I love to do. 


"Sort of" I answered him.


"I yearn to serve Him. I want to serve because I want to serve and not being pushed around and doing some errands. I feel like I'm going down and you going up. I feel like I'm a useless cell helper. I did nothing..." I continued on and on and on with my tears oozing down my cheeks.


Love advise me, talk to me and calmed me. He always told me how good I am and I did all the job well done. As usual, I told him I didn't do enough. There is so much negativity within me. Self rejection, self hatred, anything that makes me hate myself is relevant to it. I just want to feel loved. I just want to be loved. I guess that's why. I don't want to be wanted for the wrong reason. I don't want someone want me in because I have a car. I don't want someone want me to do stuffs because they know I won't say no. I just want to be wanted because of who I am. 


Love is always one of that person that accept me for who I am. I know God definitely do. Sometimes, when all you can feel is hurt and pain, your mind will be entirely blinded by it. Most of the time I forget, that GOD is way way much BIGGER than the world, the universe, the galaxy, the earth, the hurricanes, the tornadoes, the volcanoes, the oceans, the sky and everything else. I admit. I'm blind. Until now I can't really see the whole picture of God's love.


What I think about God? He's disappointed in me as I did not do my work as a cell helper. He's angry at me for I did not spend my money wisely and I'm a bad steward of His gifts. He just plain didn't like me. That's what I think. I don't even think He'll help me because I don't see that help coming for my rescue. That's how bad it is I am now. Where's the love go? 


Then I recap again what I have been through for the past one month. God was there all the time. Crying with me, holding my hand to walk through those hard days and comfort me with His peace once I'm done crying my heart out. I longed for His presence so does He longed for me to rekindle back that relationship that we once had. He was there sending out people like friends to help me out. Most are just happy to help while I feel guilty for them to do all the work to help me out. God help me out in a way I didn't even think of. even though as simple as a friends help. I'm not saying that I'm ok now. I'm still dealing with that issue. I write this as a testimony to myself that God is really there to be with me.

What robbed me..

I seriously don't know how explain my struggles to both side of my friends. One side my church friends which I hold dearly to my heart and the other side is my course mates. Gladly enough they are Christians.. Some of them not. Here's the thing, I skip my class because I'm stress with the things I need to do for the church. I'm being push from that side. I get it what people say about stretch of faith. I totally got it. While on the other side, I skip church meeting because I'm stress with my uni life. At the end of the day, I'm just screwed. 

Why do they expect so much from me? I mean those who are from the church. If I'm not there to go for the meeting, they give me the look. You know, the look. That "I'm so disappointed in you" kind of look. Not that I want to. I always ask why other people say they can't people can consider their situation but if it is me, hell no they consider my situation. It's like my life is to say yes. I don't mind if I'm not studying and doing nothing. And for the last time, I'm doing geology for goodness sake. Sigh. 

This semester, I'm all screwed. I can cry all I want but it won't save me anyway. Miracles from heaven? I'm sorry Papa but I'm just being honest. Try me. I believe in life miracles not in terms of studying. Papa did save me numerous time but I personally don't think He will do the same this time. It's my fault I screw up. It's my fault I did try hard enough. It's my fault I didn't study much. It's my fault that I didn't do well. It's my fault.. It's my fault.. It's my fault and lots of strings on it. It's all my fault.

Have you ever feel like how is it feel like to live with guilt? I do. Now I'm living with it again. I blame my downfall in my studies and my responsibilities in church on me. I blame myself in anytime of the day whenever I'm alone. Like now. Like when I'm in the shower, crying. So yeah. I don't have anything else to say. All I know, it's always been my fault from the very beginning.  

Just random

Here it goes. Now it's officially a week I'm back to civilization after 12 days in the wilderness, sleeping in tents, swallow a fly, shower with locust and frogs and climbing up and down hills during the day. What a relive to live in the real world with people when the heart is yearning for God's words and presence and lastly to be back in the arms of my beloved love. During the trip when I was cut off in any form of communication with anyone in the outside world, I have the time to think about everything. Think about how bless I am to have everything I have now. Life may be sucks at the moment but I'm grateful I'm alive ant not in hell because of my past.


Once I'm back, I was all set for the force of studies that keep crashing over me. What brought me down is the pressure as a cell helper and some friends who are just plain thoughtless and heartless to my predicament. How ironic. Cell is the place where I was build and now it's the place that brought me down this year. Expectation and too much responsibilities is wearing me down. I just don't get it. In what term of GEOLOGY that they do not understand?


Everybody knows that geology is about earth, soil, dirt and rocks. Meaning, we learn about everything about nature. To make things worst, after field trip is always my "no social life" weeks. It's like I don't have a life at all until I'm done with my exams. Anyway, let talks about my spiritual journey then. As I'm back from the wilderness and I'm hungry for His words, edification in cell and sermons in church are just plain dry. I'm all dried up and yet I drink nothing. I'm extra dry. Not that I'm a beer that extra dry and extra crisp. You know what I mean. Add up to my dryness, I'm broke. 


This week is like from bad to worst. God. How much I need God to restore back everything. I see no hope for my studies. If it wasn't because of Love being with me most of the time, I definitely going to cry every night like I use to. This is my silent conversation with God.


"God, I don't know how in the world You use me to glorify Your name? I don't see how You can use me. At this moment all I see is I'm screwing up my uni life- my studies. Lord, all I want is to be with You. But going through all of this is so hard. I feel so lost and hungry for You. Lord I need You. I need You to restore my life, to organize my life and to guide me."


I looked at Love once he's done hugging me. I nearly cried how glad I am to have him with me. Thank God for the dark night that cover my eyes. All I can say now no matter how screwed I am, I still continue to walk in His way. No matter how worthless I am I still choose to follow Him, the One who have loved me, still love me and always love me for who I am despite of what the world say.