misSiNg thE joY of WritinG

Sitting on the dull grey cushion chair in front of the flat screen PC doing nothing. Nothing. Just feels like doing things absent minded at this very moment. Was about to breathe to clear my thoughts and my suffocating chest that's when he came in.

"Well, well, well. Look who do we have here? " he sneered under his foul breath of lies as he brushed my bangs aside just to have a clear view of my dead eyes. He smiled for all he can see is fear shooting through my eyes.

"Fuck off!" I muted under my breath. He grinned.

"Fascinating. Feisty. Have you forgotten Jennifer? I made you.If it wasn't because of me, you'll be an outcast! If it wasn't because of me you will be use all the time! I taught you to stand for yourself. I taught you to fight back. I taught you to hunt them down. I taught you to kill them without shedding any blood. Never forget that. I made you. Look at you! Weak! Useless! Idiot! Worthless! What dignity you have left? You sell your soul to me just to get the man you love. I own you sweety. You are mine. Who's gonna save you? Jesus? Tell me little one, where is He when you are hurt? Where is He when you need someone to help you? Do you think you are worthy to be call as His daughter? Do you think He really even have a glimps of you? He's holy. Who do you think you are? You are tainted. Disgrace. Remember that bitch. You are a wretch". He left me speechless with those michevious smile of his again.

As he wanted to stride off, he came by my side leaning to my left ear whispering.

" I own you Jennifer. You are mine". Then he just walk out. That very moment I truly wish he just walk out of my life and never come back.

zOmBie

Literally I'm a zombie now. Didn't have enough sleep to sustain my body tiredness. Fatigue. The caffeine kicks in trying to rejuvenate my dead body. Haha. So much things going on so far. Last week mom and Greg had a minor accident. Thank God nothing happened to both of them. Sadly, my baby Toyota Camry was not that lucky. My sister just finish her lower secondary national exam. She's freaking out about it. Beloved, how many times do I have to tell you, regardless what you get and what happens to you I love you still and I'm always proud of you. Mom and dad can disowned you but I will always love you and do whatever I can to help you. Dear lovely brother, why have you turn bitter? Have I did wrong in helping you with the hard life we are going through? Why do you ignore me when all I want to do is to show you that there is someone cares about you? Should I die as Christ had died for me to show you how much I love you? Why my brother? Has rejection, hurt, pain and anger eats away your soul? Why live in the darkness while I offered to you my hand to walk with me in the Light? I love you unconditionally. I took care all of you since you were little baby whom I cradled in my arms. Did you not know or did you not see how much I love you? One day I hope you realise how much all of you means to me...

RaNDoM

So, I've done my phase diagram test yesterday. To my surprise, I felt nothing at all until the very last 10 minutes of my test when I realise that I've mix up my answer with another question. Two more question to go yet the question that I was answering was for that two last questions. I started to freak out. Begging God for mercy, speed and wit. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter at all. What matters is what God is trying to teach me. TRUST. He wants me to trust Him. The very same prayer I've always pray each day. I've always envy those who'd been appreciated by other even for the smallest things they have done. I've always envy those who always complain about their petty life yet they always do well. I envy them. When someone told me, anger is their main issue in life, for me it's envy. Through that envy I always look down upon myself not that help much if people around you already did look down upon you. But I'm forever thankful to God for His faithfulness. I fell, He pick me up and lift me up. Each day, God chipped away my pride and envy which have grown thick over the years. Whenever I feel I'm small compared to others, God reminds me that He too loves me regardless of people's view. He reminds me of His countless time saving my neck from failing. He always did. Others may boast they get 70/80/90 but I will forever boast that God always make a way for me to go through it. Heavenly Father, I thank You for the love that You have shown to me. Humble me from my pride Father and help me to see just the way You see. Grant me a teachable heart so that I may learn to trust You more and more each day. Guide me Father. Lead me and teach me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

FruStrAtioNs

Okay, I did study for my tomorrow igneous test before I went for the mapping fieldtrip. I did borrow an igneous book from the library as my reference book (so called). Neways, as I tried to do the lab sheet of the phase diagrams, I feel like dropping the F-bomb to Ron (which is the lecturer of the unit) because the lecture note doesn't help at all and so does the book I've borrowed. I've email him twice regarding my need of an aid in this matter but no reply. I'd emailed him before i went to field trip.. no reply. yesterday I'd email him again.. no reply.. again. For goodness sake. I know it's wrong to act this way but I am so damn pissed off. I've ask during tutorial, but it doesn't help either. What pissing me of is that I'm not that kind of person who grasp things quickly. I'm not that bright like bunch of them who complains how hard it is but they get extinction in exams while me, it is by the grace of God i didn't fail. I feel like screaming for now. Too bad I'm in the library now trying to work out my way to understand the phase diagram. sigh. Lord, I'm sorry. I don't want to fail any unit. I've been a laughing stock in my life. They don't think I can go this far but You prove them wrong. You shame them by raising me up to this place. Each time I pray asking You to teach to trust You more each day. Maybe this day is that day. Lord, I ask for Yourn strength to strengthen me for I am weak. I ask upom Your wisdom in helping me in my studies. I ask for courage to face the world and I ask for Your peace and assurance of love, company, guidance and protection. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

ReaLiTy

Pretending things in the past was never there is not easy because the wound and scars are there to remind us it's real. It was by God's grace I am now able to step up and walk among the living. I never understands the love that Abba has for me, even till now I still couldn't grasp how deep His love for me. But I knew one thing for sure, if it wasn't because of Him I wouldn't be here. It's easy to follow the flow of the wrong path you've chosen life and never turn back. To regain in that right path is a life long challenge for me and have to bear with the consequence of the bad choices I've made in life adding up the challenge that's already there. Future seems bleak yet to His promises I cling my whole life to. I don't know what His plans for me but I'm willing to accept it even if I don't have a clue what it is. What the world despise You lifted up. What the world consider disgrace You made it worthwhile. I cling to that promise of Yours. "Though fallen low, You raised her up. An angel."

my first dance involvement

It all started with.., well basically dance fascinates me since primary school. Unfortunately I don't have my swagger so dance is just one of my wish list. What makes me to go for it is all bcoz of the freshies welcome in church where they perform hip hop. I was blown away by it. And at that very moment I knew that's my calling. So I've waited for the next performance to join in which was on Easter.

Was having a good time busting my fat ass out and I've really missed being on the stage. It's like my own personal getaway from the harshness of the world. It's my own sweet escape of reality. Back in high school, I've joined drama (didn't cut it through for representing the school anyway) and loved all those time spend on the stage. It pleases me when the crowds cheered not jeering at me or talked behind my back like they used to. That moment on stage always a do or die moment for me. I've wanted to prove all of them I'm not a mere average, fugly, outcast fat girl. I've wanted to prove them as lowly as I am God will raise me up to prove I am too worthy to be appreciated and loved. Life would feel so empty once all of it was over. Oh well, high school. What can I say. Immature. Anyway, me and my cell were enjoying ouselves alright.



First picture from left to right: Serene, me, Jason, Lulu, Sara and Evan. At the back, Alvin, Grace and Serena. The picture looks so cool. It's like a family potrait. In fact, they are my family here. I love each and everyone of them and I feel so blessed in knowing each and everyone of them. Haha. I feel like an idiot talking to myself. Poor me. Haha. I know You are seeing this Lord. =) I dont that alone anyway for You have promise that You will never leave and never forsaken me. Here I am Lord, typing and typing in hoping that I won't forget each person You've send to help me and to be my friends. All of this shall be a reminder on how much You love me despite of my fall, my failure and my shame. Lord, I thanked You for loving me like no other.

continuing my story. haha

Hey again. Can't study so might as well I continue with my blog. Haha. This is my first girlfriends and thanks to my orientation that I've found them. Enjoying ourselves eating fish and chips at Fremantle and wine testing at Margaret River. Since I don't drink or I think I don't, I've tried all the wine and so far it makes me hate red wine. Or at least I think i hate it. Man, I'm so confusing. Anyway, I'm having a good time alright.

So here is my cell (partially). 4 Iban girls (3 of them are half iban and I'm the only pure Iban so far) plus our Angelina Jolie aka Justin with his Angie's lips and self proclaim iban bcoz of the love of drinking culture (yup, that part he's an iban alright).



Enjoying our steamboat night at Lulu's house. It was a blast. Cracking out lame jokes and eating till our stomach can't contain it. Ever since I've join the cell, I'm always looking forward for it each Friday night and never missed it unless I'm on a fieldtrip. They are like my family here. Lulu is our grandpa, Evan as our mom, most of them are my big bro and sis, Han Jie as our youngest brother and adorable Hanne as our little cute and funny sister.

we were selling our omelet's for fund raising. waking up early in the morning just to sell eggs. haha. the weather was awesome! not that hot neither it was cold. lots of things going on, the stove doesn't work, we were running out of gas and heaps of hungry customers lining up for it. it was tiring and exciting at the same time.