Faith

Hey, it's me again. Few days ago I was so frustrated with most of the things that is going on in my life. I'm happy for love that he is serving now. Seeing him enjoying himself playing bass makes me happy. What more if it is for God. I remember that day, I condemned myself the most at the back of my head.


"Useless cell helper! You did nothing!"


"Filthy steward! Where's all your money now?"


Well, that's just some of them. I've tormented myself with uselessness, self pity, anger and hurt. 


"Where are You Papa?" I asked as I looked up to the blue sky hoping to see the glimpse of Heaven to find Papa.


"Papa, I need You."


"Papa, I'm screwed up. I'm sorry."


"Papa, I want You to fix me."


"Papa, I want You".


"Papa.. I really need You."


Those whispers is like my mantra every single day. Sometimes I choose to swallow my tears and keep my pride not to cry in front of beloved. Until that Sunday,


"B, are you ok?" he asked as he knows the look in my face.


I looked at him as the well of tears start pouring out. The sermon that day was inspiring. It breaks down the wall that I unknowingly built around my heart.Deep in my soul, I yearn for Him. I longed to be with my beloved Papa. Everything just keep pushing me and I just lost that passion and it becomes a sense of duty instead the things that I love to do. 


"Sort of" I answered him.


"I yearn to serve Him. I want to serve because I want to serve and not being pushed around and doing some errands. I feel like I'm going down and you going up. I feel like I'm a useless cell helper. I did nothing..." I continued on and on and on with my tears oozing down my cheeks.


Love advise me, talk to me and calmed me. He always told me how good I am and I did all the job well done. As usual, I told him I didn't do enough. There is so much negativity within me. Self rejection, self hatred, anything that makes me hate myself is relevant to it. I just want to feel loved. I just want to be loved. I guess that's why. I don't want to be wanted for the wrong reason. I don't want someone want me in because I have a car. I don't want someone want me to do stuffs because they know I won't say no. I just want to be wanted because of who I am. 


Love is always one of that person that accept me for who I am. I know God definitely do. Sometimes, when all you can feel is hurt and pain, your mind will be entirely blinded by it. Most of the time I forget, that GOD is way way much BIGGER than the world, the universe, the galaxy, the earth, the hurricanes, the tornadoes, the volcanoes, the oceans, the sky and everything else. I admit. I'm blind. Until now I can't really see the whole picture of God's love.


What I think about God? He's disappointed in me as I did not do my work as a cell helper. He's angry at me for I did not spend my money wisely and I'm a bad steward of His gifts. He just plain didn't like me. That's what I think. I don't even think He'll help me because I don't see that help coming for my rescue. That's how bad it is I am now. Where's the love go? 


Then I recap again what I have been through for the past one month. God was there all the time. Crying with me, holding my hand to walk through those hard days and comfort me with His peace once I'm done crying my heart out. I longed for His presence so does He longed for me to rekindle back that relationship that we once had. He was there sending out people like friends to help me out. Most are just happy to help while I feel guilty for them to do all the work to help me out. God help me out in a way I didn't even think of. even though as simple as a friends help. I'm not saying that I'm ok now. I'm still dealing with that issue. I write this as a testimony to myself that God is really there to be with me.

What robbed me..

I seriously don't know how explain my struggles to both side of my friends. One side my church friends which I hold dearly to my heart and the other side is my course mates. Gladly enough they are Christians.. Some of them not. Here's the thing, I skip my class because I'm stress with the things I need to do for the church. I'm being push from that side. I get it what people say about stretch of faith. I totally got it. While on the other side, I skip church meeting because I'm stress with my uni life. At the end of the day, I'm just screwed. 

Why do they expect so much from me? I mean those who are from the church. If I'm not there to go for the meeting, they give me the look. You know, the look. That "I'm so disappointed in you" kind of look. Not that I want to. I always ask why other people say they can't people can consider their situation but if it is me, hell no they consider my situation. It's like my life is to say yes. I don't mind if I'm not studying and doing nothing. And for the last time, I'm doing geology for goodness sake. Sigh. 

This semester, I'm all screwed. I can cry all I want but it won't save me anyway. Miracles from heaven? I'm sorry Papa but I'm just being honest. Try me. I believe in life miracles not in terms of studying. Papa did save me numerous time but I personally don't think He will do the same this time. It's my fault I screw up. It's my fault I did try hard enough. It's my fault I didn't study much. It's my fault that I didn't do well. It's my fault.. It's my fault.. It's my fault and lots of strings on it. It's all my fault.

Have you ever feel like how is it feel like to live with guilt? I do. Now I'm living with it again. I blame my downfall in my studies and my responsibilities in church on me. I blame myself in anytime of the day whenever I'm alone. Like now. Like when I'm in the shower, crying. So yeah. I don't have anything else to say. All I know, it's always been my fault from the very beginning.  

Just random

Here it goes. Now it's officially a week I'm back to civilization after 12 days in the wilderness, sleeping in tents, swallow a fly, shower with locust and frogs and climbing up and down hills during the day. What a relive to live in the real world with people when the heart is yearning for God's words and presence and lastly to be back in the arms of my beloved love. During the trip when I was cut off in any form of communication with anyone in the outside world, I have the time to think about everything. Think about how bless I am to have everything I have now. Life may be sucks at the moment but I'm grateful I'm alive ant not in hell because of my past.


Once I'm back, I was all set for the force of studies that keep crashing over me. What brought me down is the pressure as a cell helper and some friends who are just plain thoughtless and heartless to my predicament. How ironic. Cell is the place where I was build and now it's the place that brought me down this year. Expectation and too much responsibilities is wearing me down. I just don't get it. In what term of GEOLOGY that they do not understand?


Everybody knows that geology is about earth, soil, dirt and rocks. Meaning, we learn about everything about nature. To make things worst, after field trip is always my "no social life" weeks. It's like I don't have a life at all until I'm done with my exams. Anyway, let talks about my spiritual journey then. As I'm back from the wilderness and I'm hungry for His words, edification in cell and sermons in church are just plain dry. I'm all dried up and yet I drink nothing. I'm extra dry. Not that I'm a beer that extra dry and extra crisp. You know what I mean. Add up to my dryness, I'm broke. 


This week is like from bad to worst. God. How much I need God to restore back everything. I see no hope for my studies. If it wasn't because of Love being with me most of the time, I definitely going to cry every night like I use to. This is my silent conversation with God.


"God, I don't know how in the world You use me to glorify Your name? I don't see how You can use me. At this moment all I see is I'm screwing up my uni life- my studies. Lord, all I want is to be with You. But going through all of this is so hard. I feel so lost and hungry for You. Lord I need You. I need You to restore my life, to organize my life and to guide me."


I looked at Love once he's done hugging me. I nearly cried how glad I am to have him with me. Thank God for the dark night that cover my eyes. All I can say now no matter how screwed I am, I still continue to walk in His way. No matter how worthless I am I still choose to follow Him, the One who have loved me, still love me and always love me for who I am despite of what the world say.

Now and then

"You'll be fine." 

He told me as I walk my way to the hall. Everything doesn't seem right to me. This can't be it. It's to easy. This is wrong. My assignment, it doesn't seem right. Beside me Love keep on reassuring me that everything is going to be alright but my intuition keeps telling me that he's wrong. 

"Bye baby. You'll be fine." 

He told me as he hugged me then walk back leaving me behind to go to the class. I steeled up every fragile part of me and strolled my wall to the hall. People always told us that when you are about to die, your life will flash before you but as for me, it's different. Obviously I'm alive coz I'm writing here. Memories of my decision to follow Papa and the things I have to let go flashed to my mind. 

Countless of blessings that I have receive from Him. Papa have been generous to me. I always complaint for not having enough like not have much money to spend on clothing like my friends, not much money to drink tea and cheese cake by the swan river every weekend, no time to go out and hang out or no time to enjoy my life. Well, Papa proved me wrong. He showed me all His blessings that He have showered upon me. Freedom from my past, healing from my past hurt and pain, cure for my addiction even until now, Love and a family I can call my own here in Perth. His blessings worth much more than any of my offering. 

That realization really knocked my head or should I say kicked my brain. So I decided to pray and seek Him as I walked to the hall. By the way, the hall is quite far so yeah. That's why I have time to pray and walk at the same time.

"Papa, I thank you for the many blessings that You have given me. I thank you for all of it. Papa, I'm sorry for my wrong doings. It is me who brought myself into this situation. I'm the one who don't manage my time well. I myself that skip class and not studying when I'm suppose to. I myself that wasted my own money. Forgive me Papa. Teach me Your way Papa. Set me straight back to You. Papa, it is Your will to be done not mine. Papa, even if I have low marks on this assignment I still choose to follow You. Even if I fail my unit, my uni or jeopardize my career in the future, I still choose to serve You. I choose to follow You no matter what it is. I choose to follow You for You have chosen me first. I choose to know You and to love You for You have love me first. I love You Papa regardless what it is. Amen."

Guess what, I was given a second chance by lecturer to do my assignment again and present it the next day. Papa open my heart to see things more clearly. Papa, thanks. =)

Frustrations

Here's the thing, 3 days ago I was so frustrated and stress about my uni life. Here I am today stressing out about my lack of time to breathe from all of these whirlwind. Being a Christian isn't easy. I get that part. I mean who doesn't? I truly get it coz I've died before and here I am alive and been given a second chance. Not that I really died. You know what I mean. 


I'm tired. That's my point. Spiritual, physical, mentally, soulfully.. whichever that fits the bill. I'm just plain tired. I'm juggling with my assignments, assessments and practicals. On top of that, I'm a cell helper who's in charge about food. Two lovely girls are under my care and another two are my mortals ( not that I'm immortal it's just I'm like their angel that watches over them. That's what we do in our cell this year.) 


Other than that, I recently bough a car (my awesome red shiny car. Old but I'm lovin it =)). And I have a boyfriend. It's not that I'm saying having Love to be with me is bad. It just add up to my list I have more responsibilities. Anyway, I really thank God for Love. He's been there for me to go through all these craziness with me. 


This week is another stressful week for me. I just bounce back from my previous breakdown and now I'm dealing with another one. What a cyclone of life. Uni life. Student life. What a hell of a ride. So yeah, I'm feeling all fucked up again. So much of feeling better after I blog 4 days ago. I told Love that I need to talk to my girlfriend. I wont tell you. Not that it's a secret anyway. So we talked. It was a relief coz she knows and she understands what I'm going through. Basically both of us are tired anyway. 


Once we were done, I went for a hot shower. I wanted to cry in the bathroom like I use to do but my tears are just not there. So as I was in my room, tending my hair (lol) on the bed talking to God. Complaining to be exact. And crying of course. I stood up talking to God like a mad man talking to the air until I literally fell on the floor on my knees with my face on the ground. (Thank God my room are carpeted.) I cried. I cried my heart out to God. I cried until I don't feel like crying anymore. That's was the time when I finally dress myself up and called Love to pick me up.

Papa

" I had enough with all your nonsense!" 


He yelled at me as he hurriedly grabbing all the shirts and pants laid on the bed. Words just cannot describe how I felt that moment. I was angry, I was disappointed and I was hurt. I looked at him shoving his clothes in the bag then I realize I could not take this anymore. I have been in this road before. I choose to leave and not to be left by him. Sorrow and pain fills up my whole being before I took that step to walk away. Walk away from that broken relationship, walk away from that pain and walk away from the man that I truly love.


My eyes fluttered. That is when I realize everything was just a dream. Then I turn left to see whether it is true. There I saw he was sleeping soundly like a baby beside me. I nudge his shoulder asking him to hug me. Hugging me from that terrible dream. As the light of the dawn seeping through the holes of the curtains, I was wide awake thinking about my dreams. Papa was the first thing I think about. Who is going to pray this time? Is it me or is it beloved? But he is still sleeping. I fell asleep again when my mind was too occupied by all these questions.


"Baby, I think Papa spoke to me today. About serving Him full time."


The moment I heard it, my head spin. Everything seems to be too much for me to digest. I have head splitting work to do, trying to go back on track by doing the right thing and walking the right way according to Papa's will and trying to manage my unmanageable life. It's just too much. Deep down I was torn. The first thing that pops in my head once he said full time, is no. N.O.NO! If Papa was there, I would definitely gave Him the look. You know the look when you want that person to not encourage the other person in pursuing their dream. Instead of saying anything back, I just smile.


It was during lunch time, I finally spoke to him telling that I need to go to the cathedral. If I could go into my head, I would definitely lost in there. Everything seems to be jumble up. Too much wires connecting to every port. Part of me was condemning myself for being selfish and for not trusting Papa. The other part of me was trashing out how unfair it is for me. Unfair that I have to go through the hard time with broken family, loosing my value and crown and now I lost the man that I love. It's unfair because I won't live the life I wanted. I won't have much time with my husband, I have to provide for the family, my income will be the one and only income for the family. It's unfair that what I'm going through now won't stop but it keeps going on. Guess that I will finally rest once I die. But I vow to dedicate Papa my first born son and now He want my future husband? So yeah, that's what was going on in my head during lunch time.


Then, Papa clear up the fog in my head and open up my eyes to see. So this is what I think Papa told me,


"Who says pastors don't have time with his wife? Who says being a pastor you don't have a life? Who says you can't survive? Have you forgotten your favourite devotional book author also married to a pastor? She's still herself. She's still cool and hip. It means you can too. Don't worry. I sort it out for you already."


That's when I have a light bulb moment. I was selfish and I was wrong of thinking that way. So I pray in the prayer room in the cathedral for strength, for wisdom, for comfort and for forgiveness. I forgot my first love for Papa. I forgot how much I love Him that I dedicate my life for His work. I forgot I ask Him for a guy who seeks His heart and accept me for who I am. I forgot all of it. That moment I re-dedicate my whole life again to Papa. It's His dreams to be fulfill not mine. It's His will not mine. Surge of strength and peace began to fill up my soul as I pray to Papa. I cried. I cried for the love He have for me. I cried for His grace and mercies. I cried that I'm sorry. I cried for the privilege to be call as His servant to serve Him. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry. 


Love was waiting for me outside of the prayer room clueless of what's going on with me inside besides noticing the red rim around my eyes. I looked at him and told him to include me in everything that he do. Regardless what it is except to the bathroom where he have to do number 2 of course. I told him whatever it is his calling, I'm there to be with him. To support him and to love him more than I love him now. I may not know how much it meant to him but I really mean it to the core of my heart. Love, that's how much I love you. I don't mind if I have to forfeit everything as long I'm with you. Except the wedding. That one I'm still stubborn. =))

Just Updates

First of all, this is where I release all my frustrations, anger or whatever you call it.. Inner turmoil or something. Well, other than God and my boyfriend of course. First of all, I feel so fucked up. I wish I'm not going to swear but I've been swearing for these entire one month of uni life. Everything just plain bullshit. First week was shit. Bombarded by projects and assignments. Second week, I choose to escape from it by living in my own world. Didn't do my assignment when I can do it that time. Then I fell sick. Great. When I want to bounce back to get on track, I'm sick. Two weeks just wasted like that. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm disappointed, I'm just feeling everything. After that, I trace back my steps to the right track. I seriously need God. I need Him to set things right for me. I need Him to guide me, to lead me and to comfort me. I need Him to go through all of these. I yearn for Him. Most of the time I cry in the bathroom..(so I can shower straight after I cry). 

Well, Papa have been there for me. He save my ass twice this week. My assignment, was suppose to due last Friday but Papa understand my struggles. It postpone to this Friday. Which is today. Yesterday, I was crying my heart out to Love. Been crying to Papa ever since. Well, the assignment finally due next Monday. Things just get so confusing again after that. Anyways, I just don't care anymore. It's my fault that all of these happen. I know.. What should happen did.. I keep telling myself that Papa is bigger than any of my problems.. Papa will provide.. Papa is here with me to go through this.. In the end, here I am bitching it all out. Until halfway, I ask Love to hug me and I cried in his arms. 

Love, I know you definitely my ultimate stalker here which I never knew last time. Since I know now, I write to you la. Anyway, my point is, that I really appreciate your presence. I appreciate the time you spend with me hearing me crying my heart out. I appreciate your touch especially your hugs and even when you wipe my tears or holding hands. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I appreciate all the help that you have help me with. I appreciate all your sacrifices like your patience dealing with a person like me that have so much issues. I really really appreciate you as a person. Thanks for everything. Literally everything. I love you Love.