Here's the thing, 3 days ago I was so frustrated and stress about my uni life. Here I am today stressing out about my lack of time to breathe from all of these whirlwind. Being a Christian isn't easy. I get that part. I mean who doesn't? I truly get it coz I've died before and here I am alive and been given a second chance. Not that I really died. You know what I mean.
I'm tired. That's my point. Spiritual, physical, mentally, soulfully.. whichever that fits the bill. I'm just plain tired. I'm juggling with my assignments, assessments and practicals. On top of that, I'm a cell helper who's in charge about food. Two lovely girls are under my care and another two are my mortals ( not that I'm immortal it's just I'm like their angel that watches over them. That's what we do in our cell this year.)
Other than that, I recently bough a car (my awesome red shiny car. Old but I'm lovin it =)). And I have a boyfriend. It's not that I'm saying having Love to be with me is bad. It just add up to my list I have more responsibilities. Anyway, I really thank God for Love. He's been there for me to go through all these craziness with me.
This week is another stressful week for me. I just bounce back from my previous breakdown and now I'm dealing with another one. What a cyclone of life. Uni life. Student life. What a hell of a ride. So yeah, I'm feeling all fucked up again. So much of feeling better after I blog 4 days ago. I told Love that I need to talk to my girlfriend. I wont tell you. Not that it's a secret anyway. So we talked. It was a relief coz she knows and she understands what I'm going through. Basically both of us are tired anyway.
Once we were done, I went for a hot shower. I wanted to cry in the bathroom like I use to do but my tears are just not there. So as I was in my room, tending my hair (lol) on the bed talking to God. Complaining to be exact. And crying of course. I stood up talking to God like a mad man talking to the air until I literally fell on the floor on my knees with my face on the ground. (Thank God my room are carpeted.) I cried. I cried my heart out to God. I cried until I don't feel like crying anymore. That's was the time when I finally dress myself up and called Love to pick me up.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Papa
" I had enough with all your nonsense!"
He yelled at me as he hurriedly grabbing all the shirts and pants laid on the bed. Words just cannot describe how I felt that moment. I was angry, I was disappointed and I was hurt. I looked at him shoving his clothes in the bag then I realize I could not take this anymore. I have been in this road before. I choose to leave and not to be left by him. Sorrow and pain fills up my whole being before I took that step to walk away. Walk away from that broken relationship, walk away from that pain and walk away from the man that I truly love.
My eyes fluttered. That is when I realize everything was just a dream. Then I turn left to see whether it is true. There I saw he was sleeping soundly like a baby beside me. I nudge his shoulder asking him to hug me. Hugging me from that terrible dream. As the light of the dawn seeping through the holes of the curtains, I was wide awake thinking about my dreams. Papa was the first thing I think about. Who is going to pray this time? Is it me or is it beloved? But he is still sleeping. I fell asleep again when my mind was too occupied by all these questions.
"Baby, I think Papa spoke to me today. About serving Him full time."
The moment I heard it, my head spin. Everything seems to be too much for me to digest. I have head splitting work to do, trying to go back on track by doing the right thing and walking the right way according to Papa's will and trying to manage my unmanageable life. It's just too much. Deep down I was torn. The first thing that pops in my head once he said full time, is no. N.O.NO! If Papa was there, I would definitely gave Him the look. You know the look when you want that person to not encourage the other person in pursuing their dream. Instead of saying anything back, I just smile.
It was during lunch time, I finally spoke to him telling that I need to go to the cathedral. If I could go into my head, I would definitely lost in there. Everything seems to be jumble up. Too much wires connecting to every port. Part of me was condemning myself for being selfish and for not trusting Papa. The other part of me was trashing out how unfair it is for me. Unfair that I have to go through the hard time with broken family, loosing my value and crown and now I lost the man that I love. It's unfair because I won't live the life I wanted. I won't have much time with my husband, I have to provide for the family, my income will be the one and only income for the family. It's unfair that what I'm going through now won't stop but it keeps going on. Guess that I will finally rest once I die. But I vow to dedicate Papa my first born son and now He want my future husband? So yeah, that's what was going on in my head during lunch time.
Then, Papa clear up the fog in my head and open up my eyes to see. So this is what I think Papa told me,
"Who says pastors don't have time with his wife? Who says being a pastor you don't have a life? Who says you can't survive? Have you forgotten your favourite devotional book author also married to a pastor? She's still herself. She's still cool and hip. It means you can too. Don't worry. I sort it out for you already."
That's when I have a light bulb moment. I was selfish and I was wrong of thinking that way. So I pray in the prayer room in the cathedral for strength, for wisdom, for comfort and for forgiveness. I forgot my first love for Papa. I forgot how much I love Him that I dedicate my life for His work. I forgot I ask Him for a guy who seeks His heart and accept me for who I am. I forgot all of it. That moment I re-dedicate my whole life again to Papa. It's His dreams to be fulfill not mine. It's His will not mine. Surge of strength and peace began to fill up my soul as I pray to Papa. I cried. I cried for the love He have for me. I cried for His grace and mercies. I cried that I'm sorry. I cried for the privilege to be call as His servant to serve Him. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry.
Love was waiting for me outside of the prayer room clueless of what's going on with me inside besides noticing the red rim around my eyes. I looked at him and told him to include me in everything that he do. Regardless what it is except to the bathroom where he have to do number 2 of course. I told him whatever it is his calling, I'm there to be with him. To support him and to love him more than I love him now. I may not know how much it meant to him but I really mean it to the core of my heart. Love, that's how much I love you. I don't mind if I have to forfeit everything as long I'm with you. Except the wedding. That one I'm still stubborn. =))
He yelled at me as he hurriedly grabbing all the shirts and pants laid on the bed. Words just cannot describe how I felt that moment. I was angry, I was disappointed and I was hurt. I looked at him shoving his clothes in the bag then I realize I could not take this anymore. I have been in this road before. I choose to leave and not to be left by him. Sorrow and pain fills up my whole being before I took that step to walk away. Walk away from that broken relationship, walk away from that pain and walk away from the man that I truly love.
My eyes fluttered. That is when I realize everything was just a dream. Then I turn left to see whether it is true. There I saw he was sleeping soundly like a baby beside me. I nudge his shoulder asking him to hug me. Hugging me from that terrible dream. As the light of the dawn seeping through the holes of the curtains, I was wide awake thinking about my dreams. Papa was the first thing I think about. Who is going to pray this time? Is it me or is it beloved? But he is still sleeping. I fell asleep again when my mind was too occupied by all these questions.
"Baby, I think Papa spoke to me today. About serving Him full time."
The moment I heard it, my head spin. Everything seems to be too much for me to digest. I have head splitting work to do, trying to go back on track by doing the right thing and walking the right way according to Papa's will and trying to manage my unmanageable life. It's just too much. Deep down I was torn. The first thing that pops in my head once he said full time, is no. N.O.NO! If Papa was there, I would definitely gave Him the look. You know the look when you want that person to not encourage the other person in pursuing their dream. Instead of saying anything back, I just smile.
It was during lunch time, I finally spoke to him telling that I need to go to the cathedral. If I could go into my head, I would definitely lost in there. Everything seems to be jumble up. Too much wires connecting to every port. Part of me was condemning myself for being selfish and for not trusting Papa. The other part of me was trashing out how unfair it is for me. Unfair that I have to go through the hard time with broken family, loosing my value and crown and now I lost the man that I love. It's unfair because I won't live the life I wanted. I won't have much time with my husband, I have to provide for the family, my income will be the one and only income for the family. It's unfair that what I'm going through now won't stop but it keeps going on. Guess that I will finally rest once I die. But I vow to dedicate Papa my first born son and now He want my future husband? So yeah, that's what was going on in my head during lunch time.
Then, Papa clear up the fog in my head and open up my eyes to see. So this is what I think Papa told me,
"Who says pastors don't have time with his wife? Who says being a pastor you don't have a life? Who says you can't survive? Have you forgotten your favourite devotional book author also married to a pastor? She's still herself. She's still cool and hip. It means you can too. Don't worry. I sort it out for you already."
That's when I have a light bulb moment. I was selfish and I was wrong of thinking that way. So I pray in the prayer room in the cathedral for strength, for wisdom, for comfort and for forgiveness. I forgot my first love for Papa. I forgot how much I love Him that I dedicate my life for His work. I forgot I ask Him for a guy who seeks His heart and accept me for who I am. I forgot all of it. That moment I re-dedicate my whole life again to Papa. It's His dreams to be fulfill not mine. It's His will not mine. Surge of strength and peace began to fill up my soul as I pray to Papa. I cried. I cried for the love He have for me. I cried for His grace and mercies. I cried that I'm sorry. I cried for the privilege to be call as His servant to serve Him. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry.
Love was waiting for me outside of the prayer room clueless of what's going on with me inside besides noticing the red rim around my eyes. I looked at him and told him to include me in everything that he do. Regardless what it is except to the bathroom where he have to do number 2 of course. I told him whatever it is his calling, I'm there to be with him. To support him and to love him more than I love him now. I may not know how much it meant to him but I really mean it to the core of my heart. Love, that's how much I love you. I don't mind if I have to forfeit everything as long I'm with you. Except the wedding. That one I'm still stubborn. =))
Friday, April 1, 2011
Just Updates
First of all, this is where I release all my frustrations, anger or whatever you call it.. Inner turmoil or something. Well, other than God and my boyfriend of course. First of all, I feel so fucked up. I wish I'm not going to swear but I've been swearing for these entire one month of uni life. Everything just plain bullshit. First week was shit. Bombarded by projects and assignments. Second week, I choose to escape from it by living in my own world. Didn't do my assignment when I can do it that time. Then I fell sick. Great. When I want to bounce back to get on track, I'm sick. Two weeks just wasted like that. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm disappointed, I'm just feeling everything. After that, I trace back my steps to the right track. I seriously need God. I need Him to set things right for me. I need Him to guide me, to lead me and to comfort me. I need Him to go through all of these. I yearn for Him. Most of the time I cry in the bathroom..(so I can shower straight after I cry).
Well, Papa have been there for me. He save my ass twice this week. My assignment, was suppose to due last Friday but Papa understand my struggles. It postpone to this Friday. Which is today. Yesterday, I was crying my heart out to Love. Been crying to Papa ever since. Well, the assignment finally due next Monday. Things just get so confusing again after that. Anyways, I just don't care anymore. It's my fault that all of these happen. I know.. What should happen did.. I keep telling myself that Papa is bigger than any of my problems.. Papa will provide.. Papa is here with me to go through this.. In the end, here I am bitching it all out. Until halfway, I ask Love to hug me and I cried in his arms.
Love, I know you definitely my ultimate stalker here which I never knew last time. Since I know now, I write to you la. Anyway, my point is, that I really appreciate your presence. I appreciate the time you spend with me hearing me crying my heart out. I appreciate your touch especially your hugs and even when you wipe my tears or holding hands. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I appreciate all the help that you have help me with. I appreciate all your sacrifices like your patience dealing with a person like me that have so much issues. I really really appreciate you as a person. Thanks for everything. Literally everything. I love you Love.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
First master piece
"When you're fifteen, somebody tell you they love you you're gonna believe them. And when you're fifteen And you're first kiss makes your head spin around but in your life you do things greater than dating a boy on football team. I didn't know it at fifteen. When all you wanted is to be wanted. Wish you could go back And tell yourself what you know now. Back then I swore I'm gonna marry him one day then I realized some bigger dreams of mine. Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mine. We both cried. And when you're fifteen somebody tells you they you're gonna believe them. And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall. I found time can heal most anything and you just might found who you're suppose to be. I didn't know who I was suppose to be.. Fifteen.."
Gripping on the steering wheel, I cried my heart out to that song. That very same pain I have to go through like that poor girl in Taylor swift's song. The only difference, I was 18. I curse my life under my breath for my stupidity. Blaming myself day and night for giving away my life and my soul for a boy who vowed to be with me and the end of the day lied to me and leave me to die with nothing only but pain and shame. As I wipe the tear of my cheeks, I hit on the gas wishing I could just overturn the car and die. Conscience sipping its way through my mind. I need to pick my mom from school not to add up the misery and pain that's already there at home. My family will definitely fall apart if I die. My mom and my dad will definitely going to divorce because I'm not there to hold my parents together. My siblings can't move on because they need me to go through this hard time. I swallow every bit of pain and shame to the pit of my stomach. That very bit that I swallowed turn to stone.
Ignorance is my new best friend. Nothing satisfied me. Nothing cheered me. I grab my twilight: new moon book and continue reading it. Here I go again with her pain. Bella's pain. My pain. Sins of my past hung upon my neck. Dragging me down with my lowly life. Where is God? I see no God. I hear not His voice. I remember not Jesus. All I see is the pit of hell where I'm going to be for the rest of eternity. I'm destined to die in hell with the rest of scumbags and trash of the world. Enrage about my future and the lost of my soul, I was no longer an angel but a devil in disguise. Bloodlust that's all I know. I see no life. I see no future. I decided to hunt all of them down. One by one those who ruin my life. First stop, him. That very one man that took it all. When that moment arrive when I can feel their lives slipping away from my hands, I will devour their meat once they are dead. Why bother about God when you are already destined to rot hell. I'm already dead anyway. Why do I care. The Devil rejoice of what have become of me. Now he owns me.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Gripping on the steering wheel, I cried my heart out to that song. That very same pain I have to go through like that poor girl in Taylor swift's song. The only difference, I was 18. I curse my life under my breath for my stupidity. Blaming myself day and night for giving away my life and my soul for a boy who vowed to be with me and the end of the day lied to me and leave me to die with nothing only but pain and shame. As I wipe the tear of my cheeks, I hit on the gas wishing I could just overturn the car and die. Conscience sipping its way through my mind. I need to pick my mom from school not to add up the misery and pain that's already there at home. My family will definitely fall apart if I die. My mom and my dad will definitely going to divorce because I'm not there to hold my parents together. My siblings can't move on because they need me to go through this hard time. I swallow every bit of pain and shame to the pit of my stomach. That very bit that I swallowed turn to stone.
Ignorance is my new best friend. Nothing satisfied me. Nothing cheered me. I grab my twilight: new moon book and continue reading it. Here I go again with her pain. Bella's pain. My pain. Sins of my past hung upon my neck. Dragging me down with my lowly life. Where is God? I see no God. I hear not His voice. I remember not Jesus. All I see is the pit of hell where I'm going to be for the rest of eternity. I'm destined to die in hell with the rest of scumbags and trash of the world. Enrage about my future and the lost of my soul, I was no longer an angel but a devil in disguise. Bloodlust that's all I know. I see no life. I see no future. I decided to hunt all of them down. One by one those who ruin my life. First stop, him. That very one man that took it all. When that moment arrive when I can feel their lives slipping away from my hands, I will devour their meat once they are dead. Why bother about God when you are already destined to rot hell. I'm already dead anyway. Why do I care. The Devil rejoice of what have become of me. Now he owns me.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
They've come
There and back again. Uni life. First week, feels like I'm in the middle of semester. I got hit by huge assignments and projects tsunami. Drowning? You bet I will. In the end, to manage everything, I went out a LOT. Like really really A LOT. I'm glad Love was there and he still is here with me to go through it. I begin to settle in this week which is the second week. It's not only that that bugging me. These voices in my head. I've been trying to shut them up or kick them out. Usually I end up praying the Lord's prayer to go through it. Still praying it though. But the thing is, it intensify.
" You're not good enough", "you can't make it", "you are not what he wants", "he don't really love you", "you are not worth it", "you are nothing", you are good for nothing",... etc etc etc..
Blah.. blah.. blah.. it sucks to have that in mind. Well, I get it I'm not Gisele, Tyra, Heidi or Megan Fox. But I'm me. Seriously, guys may drool (they do, they even fantasized of having sex with them anyway), but I am who I am. I'm good in being me. Fragile yet hard. Kind yet cruel. Soft yet harsh. Nobody else can be me except me. Papa loves me anyway. Those voices are just like dust. It can be blown away by winds. So does guilt and the "I should be".
Being a girl is hard. What more a person like me who love to condemn myself. Well, most of us are. To really to absorb how much you value in someone's eye is harder than condemning yourself. I'm still learning though. Love, been telling me that I'm perfect to him. Yet, I feel I'm far from perfect. Not even close. I keep comparing myself to everyone I know or someone he knows. My definition of perfect, to be honest, I don't really know. Jessica Alba maybe. It's always been because of the outward appearance. Well, that's what people nowadays care about.
Silly. I know. Actually what I need is inner peace. Only Papa can give me that peace. Peace in accepting my imperfection. Peace in accepting that I'm not the smartest girl in class. Peace in accepting that I failed my subject.Peace in accepting that I'm such a slow learner. Peace in knowing that I'm not having good grades. Peace in accepting that I'm not miss world. Peace that I'm not what I expected to be. Peace to be free from all of this. Peace to live the life Papa wants me to live. His peace is all I need.
" You're not good enough", "you can't make it", "you are not what he wants", "he don't really love you", "you are not worth it", "you are nothing", you are good for nothing",... etc etc etc..
Blah.. blah.. blah.. it sucks to have that in mind. Well, I get it I'm not Gisele, Tyra, Heidi or Megan Fox. But I'm me. Seriously, guys may drool (they do, they even fantasized of having sex with them anyway), but I am who I am. I'm good in being me. Fragile yet hard. Kind yet cruel. Soft yet harsh. Nobody else can be me except me. Papa loves me anyway. Those voices are just like dust. It can be blown away by winds. So does guilt and the "I should be".
Being a girl is hard. What more a person like me who love to condemn myself. Well, most of us are. To really to absorb how much you value in someone's eye is harder than condemning yourself. I'm still learning though. Love, been telling me that I'm perfect to him. Yet, I feel I'm far from perfect. Not even close. I keep comparing myself to everyone I know or someone he knows. My definition of perfect, to be honest, I don't really know. Jessica Alba maybe. It's always been because of the outward appearance. Well, that's what people nowadays care about.
Silly. I know. Actually what I need is inner peace. Only Papa can give me that peace. Peace in accepting my imperfection. Peace in accepting that I'm not the smartest girl in class. Peace in accepting that I failed my subject.Peace in accepting that I'm such a slow learner. Peace in knowing that I'm not having good grades. Peace in accepting that I'm not miss world. Peace that I'm not what I expected to be. Peace to be free from all of this. Peace to live the life Papa wants me to live. His peace is all I need.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
RanDom
I celebrated my new year's day with crying for the whole day. Sitting there on that white leather couch staring blankly on that black flat screen tv, seem to be normal for someone who has nothing to do. But it was not normal that day, red rim around the eyes, bloodshot eye balls and tears streaming down my cheeks. He's there beside me. Slithering his tongue speaking and whispering to me.
" There, there sweetheart. I told you so you will get hurt again. I told you so things won't work out. Do you know why? It's because of you. If you weren't with him, he won't suffer like this doesn't he? He could have been happy out there living a normal life he wanted to. He is better off without you. He deserve better. Why are you doing this to him? Go along dear. Run to your Father. Run and never come back to this road again. No matter how much you love one another, it will never work. It's unfair for him dear. If you love him, let him go. Guard yourself from this thing called love. It do you no good doesn't it? "
His reasons seem reasonable to me. I cried. I cried because I can't bear the pain of loosing him. I cried for the pain that he have to go through because of my mistakes. I called my Father deep in my soul. Groaning. I feel so alone. Within that chaotic mess of my head and my inner turmoil, I heard his voice.
"I hope whenever I get to see you again, I won't have to go through another new walls besides the one that already been there."
It seems so distance yet so near. Then things began to unfold. Then it came to me like a hammer hit on my skull.
" Love never fails. Love prevails."
I looked at him and his slithering tongue. I never thought of looking at him with such clear view. His words are like poisons. Every word of it. After all these years I believed him but not today. Not today.
" There, there sweetheart. I told you so you will get hurt again. I told you so things won't work out. Do you know why? It's because of you. If you weren't with him, he won't suffer like this doesn't he? He could have been happy out there living a normal life he wanted to. He is better off without you. He deserve better. Why are you doing this to him? Go along dear. Run to your Father. Run and never come back to this road again. No matter how much you love one another, it will never work. It's unfair for him dear. If you love him, let him go. Guard yourself from this thing called love. It do you no good doesn't it? "
His reasons seem reasonable to me. I cried. I cried because I can't bear the pain of loosing him. I cried for the pain that he have to go through because of my mistakes. I called my Father deep in my soul. Groaning. I feel so alone. Within that chaotic mess of my head and my inner turmoil, I heard his voice.
"I hope whenever I get to see you again, I won't have to go through another new walls besides the one that already been there."
It seems so distance yet so near. Then things began to unfold. Then it came to me like a hammer hit on my skull.
" Love never fails. Love prevails."
I looked at him and his slithering tongue. I never thought of looking at him with such clear view. His words are like poisons. Every word of it. After all these years I believed him but not today. Not today.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Just love
" You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded. You say we'll never make my parents mistakes... You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine... And I remember that fight till 230am, you said everything is slipping out of our hands, I ran outside, crying, and you followed me out into the street. Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known. Then you caught me by surprise. You said, I'll never leave you alone... Do you believe it? We're gonna make it now.. And I can see it now.. I can see it now..."
" When I was younger I saw my daddy cry. He curse at the wind.He broke his own heart and I watched as he tries to reassemble it. And my momma swore she would never let herself forget. And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love, it does not exist.. But darling, you are my only exception.. you are my only exception.. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul, love never last. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, keep a straight face. And I've always live like this, keeping a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with my loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.. Well, you are, my only exception.. you are my only exception.. And I'm on my way to believe it... "
" Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive. Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find. Falls right into place, you are all that it takes. My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you. When I'm kissing you, it all start making sense. And all the questions I've been asking in my head. Like are you the one? Should I really trust? Crystal clear it become when I'm kissing you. Past love, they never got very far. Walls up, make sure I guarded my heart. And I promised I wouldn't do this till I knew it was right for me. And have you notice I loose my focus and the world around me disappears... I've never felt nothing like this.. You're making me open up. No point even trying to fight this. It kinda feel like it's love..."
Didn't know what I did could hurt you that bad. I thought everything was ok then it start all over again. Memories and familiarity caught me of guard. I've been here in this path before. Feels like dejavu. This is where it all started. The mark of my downfall. I could feel the floor is crumbling beneath my feet as the air became thicker and thicker making it so hard for me to breathe. My mind racing trying to think the right words to say keeping me from repeating the same mistake that I did before but it was too late. I hurt him. I hurt me. Everything I did just making it worst. I do what I know best, cry and reach out to my Father. Paramore lyrics mocking me at the back of my head.
"The truth will never set you free".
I curse them beneath my breath. I curled myself into a ball and weep softly. Just before I cry, my mom came in to check on me. I forced a smile and pretend my sleepy look in front of her.
Once the door was shut, I weep softly trying not to alarm my parents and waking up my little sister beside me. As I weep, it reminded me the same agony I have to go through a year ago. It reminds me of Bella in Twilight. I reached out to my little sister and cry my heart out as she comfort me patting my hands cracking some lousy jokes how ugly I look when I cry and how I seem to be snotting like a pig. I laughed and cry at the same time. it eased me. Then I continue to cry again till I finally sob like a baby while in my heart I continue to seek and reach out to my Father. That's when I heard loud thud. Tapping on the roof to be exact. God was pouring rain on Miri just to show that He weep too with me.(It happens all the time when I'm in Miri not Perth) As if Mother nature weep with me telling me she understand my pain. After a while, everything was just pitch black.
" When I was younger I saw my daddy cry. He curse at the wind.He broke his own heart and I watched as he tries to reassemble it. And my momma swore she would never let herself forget. And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love, it does not exist.. But darling, you are my only exception.. you are my only exception.. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul, love never last. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, keep a straight face. And I've always live like this, keeping a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with my loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.. Well, you are, my only exception.. you are my only exception.. And I'm on my way to believe it... "
" Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive. Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find. Falls right into place, you are all that it takes. My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you. When I'm kissing you, it all start making sense. And all the questions I've been asking in my head. Like are you the one? Should I really trust? Crystal clear it become when I'm kissing you. Past love, they never got very far. Walls up, make sure I guarded my heart. And I promised I wouldn't do this till I knew it was right for me. And have you notice I loose my focus and the world around me disappears... I've never felt nothing like this.. You're making me open up. No point even trying to fight this. It kinda feel like it's love..."
Didn't know what I did could hurt you that bad. I thought everything was ok then it start all over again. Memories and familiarity caught me of guard. I've been here in this path before. Feels like dejavu. This is where it all started. The mark of my downfall. I could feel the floor is crumbling beneath my feet as the air became thicker and thicker making it so hard for me to breathe. My mind racing trying to think the right words to say keeping me from repeating the same mistake that I did before but it was too late. I hurt him. I hurt me. Everything I did just making it worst. I do what I know best, cry and reach out to my Father. Paramore lyrics mocking me at the back of my head.
"The truth will never set you free".
I curse them beneath my breath. I curled myself into a ball and weep softly. Just before I cry, my mom came in to check on me. I forced a smile and pretend my sleepy look in front of her.
Once the door was shut, I weep softly trying not to alarm my parents and waking up my little sister beside me. As I weep, it reminded me the same agony I have to go through a year ago. It reminds me of Bella in Twilight. I reached out to my little sister and cry my heart out as she comfort me patting my hands cracking some lousy jokes how ugly I look when I cry and how I seem to be snotting like a pig. I laughed and cry at the same time. it eased me. Then I continue to cry again till I finally sob like a baby while in my heart I continue to seek and reach out to my Father. That's when I heard loud thud. Tapping on the roof to be exact. God was pouring rain on Miri just to show that He weep too with me.(It happens all the time when I'm in Miri not Perth) As if Mother nature weep with me telling me she understand my pain. After a while, everything was just pitch black.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)