Burn Like A Candle

There are so many things I would love to share here since my last blog but for now as in this moment right now, I'm tired, weary, burdened by the weight of the world. I'm tired for repeating the same unit THREE times. I'm ashamed to the very last bit of myself of such things. TWO UNITS repeating for the THIRD time. I have had so many downfalls and this is my number two on the top list. Gosh! Life is hard especially for a person like me. Despite of my SHAME and DOWNFALLS, I couldn't thank GOD enough for His GRACE. I have so many "I believe in God" list but how many times do you really hold on to it when the wave of life crashing on you? How much TEARS have you shed to cling on that PROMISES of His? How much FRUSTRATIONS can you take till you finally SEEK Him? How many SLEEPLESS nights have you gone through to KNEEL and PRAY? Have your BEATINGS leave your CHEST red each time you beat your breast to CRY out to the Lord? I was there and still am. JOHN 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that IN ME (JESUS) you may have PEACE. In this WORLD you will have TROUBLE. But TAKE HEART! I (JESUS) have OVERCOME the world." I was in class today for my final class of the day, a text came from my father. Money always seems to be an issue. As a child, repeating in uni, lots of expanses involve equals to bad book in a father sight or just me who thinks it that way. I looked back in what way I've "wasted" the money to. I don't go to party or clubs plus I have a revelation of it in Hillsong conference this year (clubs, you are an insults to the Hillsong conference). Anyway, last month, all the money goes straight to bills and rent and left few for me to spend. HAVEN'T tithe since early this year due to financial management and problems. I OWE people money which I never did. It is always the other way round. Practically I'm in a PIT. LITERALLY. As I walk to the parking lot, I took out my iphone, walking and reading at the same time PSALM 23 "The Lord is my SHEPHERD; I shall not WANT. He makes me LIE down in green pastures; He LEADS me beside the still waters. He RESTORES my SOUL;". I keep on reading it until I got inside the car. Then, I repeat it again and TEARS was running down my cheeks. For an instant, I remembered the time when I found out that I have FAILED my unit. FUTURE was GRIM, SHAME engulfed me, FEAR ripped me apart, GUILT consumed me and HOPE was only thing that SUSTAINED me. During that time, I remembered that I was saying this under my breath countless times, more like a MANTRA to me. " My GOD is GREATER than my FATHER, my GOD is GREATER than my FAILURES, my GOD is GREATER than my SHAME, my GOD is GREATER than my GRADES, my GOD is GREATER than my UNI, my GOD is GREATER. There is NOTHING can go AGAINST my GOD. My GOD is for ME. My GOD is WITH me."I cried as I was saying those words. Deep inside me, CHAINS were BROKEN. NO more CONDEMNATION, NO more SHAME, NO more GUILT instead replaced by EVERLASTING LOVE from ABOVE. I AM FREE. True that I may have to go through it again but this time I have a song to sing back to it, my MANTRA. GOD don't need REMINDERS from us that HE is GREAT but WE need to REMIND OURSELVES that GOD is GREATER above ALL else. My DAD may DISOWN me, I may don't have a PLACE to STAY, I may be a DISGRACE to my FAMILY but there is a FATHER in HEAVEN that is PROUD of me, LOVE me regardless of my SHORTCOMINGS, welcomes me as I'm the ONLY one that He CARES and be WITH me throughout my TIME on this EARTH. 

Broken Glass

What would you do if the one that you love does not trust you? What would you say if they misjudge and accuse you of the things that you never do? How do you react to know all of that comes from your own parents? Mixture of emotions swirl together as one in a fiery pot- that is what going to happen. As for me, I picture it more like a broken glass. When the trust is shattered, how do you pick those pieces and glue it together? I did not. I withdrew and carry those shattered glass with me to the One who know how to fix it. Papa. Papa knows everything. Papa knows what to do. Everything that I know revolves around Papa. My loved ones does not see it. Generation has become the barrier to reach one another. If only they knew...

Frenemies

Self conscious can be your friend and enemy at the same time. That is where the terms "frenemies" came from in the first place. As for me, too much of it is just the beginning. People always tell us or advise us to look forward in life. Just like driving, you have to focus on the windscreen not side mirrors. I concentrate too much on the side mirrors. It's always been fear and comparison that keeps bugging me. Fear I'm not good enough. Fear I'm just nothing compared to others. Fear I'm not that pretty. Fear that I'm not that "hot" enough. Comparing myself to the other girls who are capable of multitasking. Comparing myself to your best friend. Comparing myself to your gifts. Why I am like this? Everyone knows the basic answer to it. Low self esteemed. There are times when I felt like giving in to all of this "I'm not good enough" ranting. It feels easier that way than fighting it off. I'm really sick and tired of it. Like, seriously, what would you feel when you go out and shopping with your friends buying clothes but you didn't get anything because nothing can fit in? Definitely embarrass, feeling low and hate yourself to the max. That's just the basic example but still kills me. I'm totally not in a good mood now about this issue. Man. I sure have a lot of issues. 

Raging sea

I was drowning in the sea of doubts and insecurity. Today I'm paddling through the raging wave. I sit in front of my mirror on the floor as I gaze intently on my reflection as I slowly brushed my hair. 


"Jen." He whispered.


"Oo Jennifer." He called me.


"Nice hair. By the way, you don't look good. Not that you are ugly. Well, maybe you are compared to the others. Which the others that he used to be with. Anyway,did you check out those exes he had. I hope you did. Can't blame you feeling so down about that. They are indeed better than you. If I were him, why bother to go with a fat cow like you. I'm not being mean, it's the truth. You can't even wear size 6. What to be proud of having you around anyway? Look at yourself. Look at that reflection of yours, what good do you see? "He snickered.


I did what he said. I looked at my reflection and find nothing to be proud of. I kept silent trying not to let it affect me. I tried to mute his voice as his words started to penetrate my shield of truth.


"I am loved. Papa loves me. He always has always been and always will love me." I recited.


As his voice getting louder and louder, my strength and confidence begin to crack. Memory of my conversation with Love flashes back.


"Remember the ring Baby. That's my promised. And you know my answer. I love you and I only want you." 

It didn't work. He didn't stop instead his voice got louder and louder and I barely can hold myself with all the comparison and condemnation. I was about to yell back at him that I am not weak, that I am pretty, that I am worth it, that I am loved, a tear dropped on my knee stopped me. He shattered that shield and I'm losing my grip. I fell for that again for a gazillion time.

Divine Intervention

For the past two months I was struggling and barely can make it alive. Not that I literally going to die. Being choked up with life tribulation is not a cool thing. You name it, I got it. Well, not all of life issues. I barely have money to buy food what more of going to Hillsongs. Papa a.k.a God had been gracious enough to let me go Sydney for that conference. What I have been receive for that one whole week is just too much for me to contain. Everything is just mind blowing. I was just simply like a sponge. Absorbing as much as I could and share it. My soul and my spirit was hungry and thirst for the One. Like a wanderer lost in a parched dry desert, He came to quench my thirst and my hunger. He showed me the Way, the Truth and the Life.

"I am more than enough."

"I am everything that you need."

"I am able."

"Daughter, I am able. I am able to turn things around. Trust me." 

Standing among the multitudes, He stripped away my pride, my worries, my anger, my disappointment and my condemnation. At His holy presence, I stand naked with nothing to offer except this broken soul and bleeding hands from the scars of life. As I opened my heart to let Him to re-enter my heart, my spirit groaned. Longing for His healing touch, longing for His presence, longing for His love and warm embrace. I broke down in tears and worship Him like I never before. Unaware of the people around me, I raised my voice to Heaven and lifted my hands praising Him the One I adore. Jesus culture took over the stage and sang their songs. Songs that I never heard of. My heart violently turned inside out. The lyrics are just like words from the Father Himself speaking to me. Telling me how much He loves me and how much He cared. I am not forgotten. I was never have been forsaken. 


I was ruined. Everything inside me just shattered like broken glass. From that broken pieces of my life, He built me into a new frame.A new life, a new hope. As Israel Houghton melodious voice sang out his new song, the longing in my heart intensify. My utmost desire of my soul is let the King to reign my life, my whole being and my whole world. I can feel my spirit is detached from my body seeking for the One who brings me comfort and healing. Every words that I mouthed is like a fire that burned every part of me. A lovely song that speaks the desire of every human heart. 


"From my heart to the Heavens, Jesus be the centre, It's all about you..."


Like a child throwing themselves on the floor before the feet of their parents, so do I fell on my knees in front of the throne of my Father the Almighty who rule over the whole universe and let His fire consume me. 

Appreciation

Love, 


Since I know you are going to read this, I want to tell you that I really appreciate you. Thank you for all the time you've spend with me. Especially for lending me your ears. I know, I've busted it. Haha. Just so you know darling, when you are hurting or angry or disappointed, my heart grieves for you too. I hate to see you sad or angry while I can't do anything but wait till you feel better then it's  my cue to cheer you up. I want to make you smile. To make you laugh. I want you to be happy.I love you love. Hope this cheer you up. Love you much. 




Love,


Baby

A Little Prayer

Papa, I come before you with nothing to offer except a humble spirit. Father, I admit I mess up. Papa, I came to You with everything have been stripped away from me. I admit I'm angry. I admit I am hurt. I admit its painful to go through all this. Papa, I believe You will provide. I believe You will help me. I believe You will help me to go through this. I believe in You Papa.  With nothing left, I cling to Your promises. Papa, I believe You are with me to go through this. I believe You have not forsaken me. Papa, I believe in You. Papa, I need You. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.